The Burglar Under the Hill
by writer-of-bag-end
Summary: Bilbo Baggins was a proper hobbit lady, thank you! She never did anything unexpected like go on one of those uncomfortable, nasty adventures that made you late for dinner all because of a certain meddlesome wizard. Well, except for that one time with the dragon and band of dwarves. Fem!bilbo. Rated T for violence, suggestive comments, and language CURRENTLY BEING REWRITTEN
1. Chapter 1

**Hello! Thanks for clicking on this fic! This story features fem!bilbo and will expand on customs and traditions of hobbits in the hobbit universe as well as dwarven traditions. Centers around the quest and Bilbo's friendships with the members of the company. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own the hobbit! All rights reserved to JRR Tolkien**

**Chapter 1**

Bilbo Baggins was a very respectable lady, thank you very much, and it was due time that other hobbits started remembering it.

The Bagginses had always been of a respectable sort, never doing anything unexpected or going on any adventures. Bagginses were so highly regarded, their advice treasured, that you could tell what a Baggins might say to a certain question. A question about gardening would receive an answer about proper plant care. A question about cooking would be followed by the reply of good methods of baking and a few recipes. A question about an adventure would end with a resounding "no" and a passive aggressive request for tea with said asker. No, those adventures were quite troublesome, after all, they made you late to dinner! Any Baggins would want nothing to do with one of those vile things.

Besides, no hobbit in their right mind would be late for a meal so adventures would simply not do for someone of such a reclusive race such as a hobbit.

Now, back to our Baggins

Bilbo was as proper as any Baggins should be, no matter what some hobbits said about her. She dressed nicely and kept her curly hair neatly combed, including the fur on her feet. She was a good cook as any hobbit woman should be and always welcomed company. A sunny smile was always on her lips and a witty reply on her tongue. She may have been one of the few women living alone in the Shire, unmarried and without any children as she couldn't sire any, and was very fond of smoking her pipe, but other than those few details she was quite alright to most.

She had definitely outgrown that stage of hers as a child when she would dress in trousers and run around with a wooden sword, hollering about going to find the elves and saving princesses.

Hobbit fauntlings were always mischievousness, although Bilbo had been quite the terror. Her mother, the famous Belladonna Took, had always encouraged her daughter's little adventures, much to the chagrin of her husband, the prim and proper Bungo Baggins. Yes, those two had caused quite a stir when they had announced their courtship which started an even more tension-filled rivalry between the already existing feud of the Baggins and Took clan. In the end, they had still married without a hitch (though there were a few overturned tea cups on the Baggins side and some scones thrown by the Tooks).

As the years progressed, Miss Baggins became an almost exact copy of her solid and comfortable father, even if she did get a little queerness from her Tookish mother that didn't make an appearance until her forty-nineth birthday.

Many questioned when Bilbo had really grown up. Most agreed that it was during the Fell Winter, after the death of her sweetheart, Rory Brownlock, and the illness of her father. Others said (mostly Bagginses) that she finally lost her sense of adventure once her mother passed five years after the death of Mr. Baggins. Poor Belladonna had been unable to cope with the death of her beloved husband and had wilted away to nothing more than a wisp of the woman she had been, leaving a young daughter to live all by herself. Though there were some disagreements about Bilbo's sudden sense of propriety, it all boiled down to one statement: Miss Bilbo Baggins had lost all sense of recklessness, taken up her proper title as Mistress of Bag-end, and had indeed become respectable.

Miss Baggins will never go on those little adventures of hers again, they stated matter-of-factly.

Or so they thought.

It was a beautiful day in Hobbiton and Bilbo had taken full advantage of it as she relaxed on the bench in front of her cozy smial. The sun was shining on the grassy slopes of the Shire, casting an almost golden glow on the wheat fields and meadows. The residents of Hobbiton were making themselves busy on this Trewsday, trading in the marketplace or letting their children run around and make merry. Bilbo had quite a nice view of Hobbiton from atop her hill and she blew smoke rings into the blue, cloudless sky.

She smiled serenely as she heard a shriek of laughter from down the Hill, one of the Gamgee children up to some mischief or another. Bilbo sighed contently and closed her eyes, letting the sun's rays go over her skin. Suddenly, a shadow crossed into Bilbo's vision which she pointedly ignored in case it was a bothersome relative. She was sure the figure would leave when a puff of smoke hit her right on her nose, causing her top sniff and cough.

She looked up, feeling very disgruntled at being disturbed from her relaxation, and whatever scolding words she had in her head died on her tongue as she observed the man in front of her. Man, as in not a hobbit. Bilbo's mouth dropped as she observed the bent old man, eyes trailing from his pointed pale blue hat, gray robes, long tangled beard, and wrinkled hands wrapped around a gnarled staff taller than her. He leaned against his staff, observing her from eyebrows so bushy that it was a wonder he could see at all.

If Bilbo had remembered some moments of her early childhood, then perhaps she would have recognized the wizard in front of her. Indeed, he was actually a wizard, and not some conjurer of cheap tricks like the ones that pulled bunnies out of hats. This was Gandalf the Gray, the meddlesome wizard who had whisked off many young hobbit lads and lasses away on wondrous adventures. Among those young hobbit lads and lasses, Belladonna was included.

Bilbo immediately shook her head, remembering her manners. "Good morning!" she said brightly, since it was a very good morning, at least until she had been disturbed by this odd stranger. Perhaps it could continue to be a good morning and he'd just leave.

"What do you mean?" the old man rumbled. "Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good on this particular morning; or that it is simply a morning to be good on?"

"All of them at once," Bilbo replied weakly, a bit surprised at how he had said all of that without running out of breath. She placed the tip of her pipe on the corner of her lips. "How may I be of assistance? Do you fancy a smoke ring and some company?" With that, she blew an impressive silver smoke ring that floated over the Hill.

"Perhaps later," said Gandalf. "Right now, I am looking for someone to share in an adventure." He paused, letting his words wash over the hobbit. He was certainly dramatic, this wizard.

"An adventure?" Bilbo repeated, nearly choking on her pipe. "I highly doubt you'll find anyone interested in adventures here, my good friend!" She stood up, only coming to the man's ribcage, and made her way towards her mailbox. Pretending to busy herself with her letters, she tried to take no notice of the man in an attempt for him to leave.

He stayed put. How obnoxious.

"Good morning!" Miss Baggins said crossly and made her way towards her round green door.

"What a lot of ways to use 'good morning' for!" the old man exclaimed, hobbling closer to her. "Now you wish to get rid of me!"

"Ye-no!" Bilbo nearly cursed for her blunder and quickly added, "No, it's just, er, it's just... pardon me, my good sir, but may I have your name?"

"Yes, yes, of course," the old man said, "Though you won't have to introduce yourself since I know quite a lot about you, Miss Baggins! I am Gandalf and Gandalf means me! To think I should live to be dismissed by Belladonna Took's only daughter as if I were some old peddler!" Looking distinctly ruffled as he adjusted his staff, he waited for her reaction.

Bilbo furrowed her eyebrows, lips in a thin line as she tried to place the man's face. Gandalf, Gandalf, Gandalf- oh! A memory of herself as a child playing with her wooden sword crossed her mind. She had giggled madly as she had run to and fro during that summer party, challenging others to duel with her. The only one who had courageously accepted her challenge had been a bent old man with a long beard and pointy hat. Fireworks. Didn't he make fireworks?

"Oh, dear!" she exclaimed. "Pardon me, Gandalf, but it has been many years since I have seen you! Though I do remember your fireworks. They were quite beautiful. My favorite had been that bursting flower one," she finished with a fond smile at the memory. "I had no idea you were still in business!"

The wizard's amusement turned to offense and Bilbo snapped her mouth shut. "And where else should I be?"

"Ehh," she said with a vague wave and took it upon herself to puff on her pipe in an attempt to stop any other stupid statements from coming out of her mouth.

Gandalf squinted at her from underneath his bushy eyebrows, keen blue eyes piercing her skin. "Miss Baggins, it seems you have changed indeed since I last saw you," he stated and Bilbo had to fight not to retort back that she was five when she last saw him, "I wonder whatever happened to the young fauntling looking for adventure! Trailing mud onto the carpet after her escapades with that Brownlocks lad-"

Gandalf went on, but Bilbo had froze. Did he know about Rory?

_C'mon, Bo, it'll be an adventure! _

A wave of anger flashed over the hobbit as she remembered her parents and Rory and she stamped her furry foot. She absently fingered the leather rope and stone around her neck as she yelled at the wizard. "Sorry, but it seems that while you have been reminiscing the past, I seem to be living in the present!" she huffed and the wizard looked taken aback. "And in the present I am perfectly respectable! I'll have nothing to do with any adventures whatsoever! Thank you! Good morning!"

She turned and scuttled to her door, slamming it shut with a satisfying thud. She heard the wizard harrumph to himself, muttering something about ungrateful Baggins and propriety. Bilbo slid down her door, face buried in her yellow skirts. She felt tears burn in her eyes and chided herself on living in the past when she had just stated she was living in the present. It was about time she had forgotten about Rory, no matter how hard it was, and it was high time she stopped mourning the loss of her parents.

Bilbo wiped her eyes angrily and rested her head against the green wood. She was about to get up, put on the kettle and make a seed cake to soothe her nerves, when she heard a scratching sound on her door. She frowned. Was that- Was that wizard scratching her door with that damned staff?!

Miss Baggins let out a squeak of indignation and whirled to look out her window, face pressed against the round glass. A sharp blue eye lidded with a busy gray eyebrow suddenly appeared in the window and Bilbo nearly screamed in fright as she scuttled out of the way and into the confines of her kitchen. Her chest rising and falling rapidly from the fright, she could've sworn she heard laughter. She double checked twice to see if the old man was still outside, but he was nowhere in sight.

She pursed her lips and made her way towards her stove, lighting a fire and putting her kettle on. She would need some food to calm herself. A piece of cake would do.

In the end, she ate three pieces of seed cake along with a full cup of tea and by then she was quite sure that she had escaped this whole adventure nonsense. She laughed to herself and she brushed the crumbs off her plate and into the rubbish bin. Honestly! An adventure! In the Shire! What was he going to do? Hunt some rogue squirrels?

"Hm, maybe he wanted to slay a dragon," she mused to herself. "Or perhaps save a princess!"

The rest of Bilbo's Trewsday was spent looking for the wizard in a state of constant fear. Bilbo, wearing her blue coat and yellow waistcoat, walked briskly through the marketplace to buy food for her dinner. She purchased a fish from the stand, a few greens, and some carrots. She scuttled to and fro, occasionally hiding behind stands. This earned her some rather strange looks from other hobbits, though she paid them no notice.

They would be acting the same way if a weirdo wizard had asked them on an adv- quest. A quest.

Bilbo dodged a flock of fauntlings who began calling for a story, and bumped into Mr. Worrywort. The hobbit pushing his cart of tubers immediately stopped and smiled warmly at her.

"Ah, Miss Baggins!" he said brightly and took of his hat politely. "I was hoping to run into you! Thought you'd might like to take a gander at my new tubers!"

Bilbo nearly choked a bit, but forced herself to smile. "Oh, yes. They look very nice, Mr. Worrywart!"

He smiled proudly. "Lyla Cotton helped me out with these. Wonderful girl." Bilbo blushed a bit at the name of the prettiest lass in the Shire. She'd be lying if she wasn't one of the many hobbits who had done ridiculous stunts to impress the girl (though her stunt had been significantly more embarrassing).

Bilbo nodded. "Yes, she's quite-" Her eyes traveled over the marketplace and stopped dead on a pointed blue tip sticking out from above a stand. "Mr. Worrywort, how are your children?" she asked and he happily went on about his kids while she hid behind his cart.

She slowly peeked over the wood to see that the "hat" of the wizard had been a bunde of blue fabric carried by a tall hobbit lad. She looked to Mr. Worrywort, who was observing her strangely.

"Are you alright, Miss Baggins?" he asked, well, worriedly.

"Fine!" she answered a bit high pitched. "Have a good day, Worrywort, and say hello to your wife for me!"

Thus Miss Baggins awkwardly ran back to her smial while hobbits whispered to each other, wondering if the Baggins had finally cracked.

By the next day, Miss Baggins had almost forgotten the incident with the old crackpot wizard. It was supper time, the twilight sky enveloping Hobbiton's hills and smials and the stars beginning to twinkle in the sky. Bilbo was dressed comfortably in her dressing gown and patchwork robe, as no one visited Bag-end this late, and was making herself a modest meal of scones, fish, and some greens.

Bilbo sat in her chair and sprinkled lemon over her fish, ready to grab her fork and dive in, when her doorbell suddenly rang. She immediately frowned and wondered who on earth would be visiting her this late when the bell rang again impatiently. A few knocks sounded with heavy thuds. Honestly, the nerve! Perhaps it was some youngster playing a trick. Grumbling to herself about annoying youths, the Baggins made her way to her door and yanked it open a tad too roughly.

A dwarf faced her. There was no one else it could be; too short to be a human, too hairy and sturdy to be a hobbit. He was absolutely terrifying from his bald, tattooed head to his steel-tipped boots. He wore traveling furs and leather and, Yavanna Almighty, was that a pair of axes?! The dwarf scowled at her from under his bushy brown beard.

"You've got to be joking," he mumbled to himself, but Bilbo still heard him. The rugged dwarf sighed before bowing stiffly. "Dwalin, at your service!"

Bilbo hoped her voice wasn't as high as it sounded to her ears as she replied, "Bilbo Baggins at yours!"

The dwarf- Dwalin- simply nodded and made her way into her house, just like that! Bilbo nearly squawked as he unfastened his dark green hood and cloak and hung it on her peg. She tried to catch up to him as he made his way to her kitchen.

"I'm sorry!" she said. "Do I know you?"

The dwarf looked at her as if she had grown two heads. "No."

Then he sat down in her seat and began to eat her dinner! Bilbo flapped her mouth uselessly and eventually gave up, plopping down in the nearby chair and watching mournfully as he ate with appalling manners. This is it, she thought, I'm going to be murdered by a giant dwarf. She eyed the frying pan on her stove and moved towards it in case she needed a weapon to defend herself.

"This is very good!" said Dwalin and she nearly jumped at the sound of his deep voice. "Is there anymore, Mrs. Baggins?"

"Er, yes, help yourself," she responded, slightly startled by the term "Mrs." and handed him the plate of biscuits which he immediately scarfed down appreciatively.

"Um, Mr. Dwalin?" she tried and he looked up from his meal, crumbs in his beard. "I don't mean to bother you with any questions, but the thing is, I wasn't expecting any-" The doorbell rang again, interrupting her.

"That'll be the door," Dwalin rumbled when Bilbo wasted a few seconds just staring in shock towards her house's entrance, lips parted in surprise.

"Of course!" she said briskly and tied her robe. "Excuse me!"

She stalked over to the door and opened it carefully, peeking between the crack at the new arrival. Another dwarf! This one wasn't as terrifying as the other and had a grandfatherly appearance. He donned a scarlet hood, his long forked white beard making a startling contrast against the rich color.

"Balin," he introduced himself, "At your service!" He bowed low, his beard touching the floor. He clasped his hands together and smiled jovially.

"Thank you," Bilbo said breathlessly, which was not at all the proper response, but the dwarf seemed unaffected.

"What a pleasant surprise to see you, Mrs. Baggins! Ah, I see they have started to arrive!" he remarked as he glanced at Dwalin's hood at the rack.

Balin strode in as if he had been invited all along and placed his hood upon the rack, shambling into the kitchen to join Dwalin. Bilbo stood at the door for a little while, focusing on taking deep breaths. She was a Baggins! She had hosted before! Two dwarves weren't that big of a deal, right? She could handle this!

When she returned to her kitchen, she founded Dwalin and Balin embracing like old friends (in fact, they were brothers as she later found out). She jumped when they smashed their foreheads together with a loud crack and wondered if they had hurt themselves. They just laughed it off and made their way towards her pantry.

"I don't suppose you have any seed cakes, Mrs. Baggins?" Balin asked, his voice a bit muffled from being inside the pantry.

"And beer?" Dwalin's deep voice grumbled and Bilbo found herself saying, "Lots! Help yourselves!"

She slapped her hand over her mouth in shock and shook herself. "Keep it together, Baggins!" she scolded and ran her hands through her hair. She should probably tie it up, especially since she had company.

She headed towards her bedroom to change into a more proper attire when the doorbell rang again as if some naughty hobbit boy was trying to pull it off. Another dwarf? Bilbo sighed through her nose, passing Balin and Dwalin who were currently emptying the pantry, and made her way to her door. She opened it a crack and peeked through, like she had done with Balin, and her jaw dropped at the two dwarves in front of her.

They were both very young, would probably have come of age only a little while ago, she noted as she opened her door fully. The shorter one had golden hair filled with complex braids, even his mustache was braided and beaded, and wore leather armor along with a pair of double swords. The taller one looked slightly younger with wide brown eyes, messy dark hair, and only a layer of stubble coating his jaw. He favored a bow and broadsword, his leathers blue and darker grays rather than warm browns.

"Fíli," said the golden-haired one.

"And Kíli!" said the dark one.

"At your service!" they finished together and swept into flourishing bows that were far too grand for a simple hobbit. A mischievous grin worked its way onto the dark one's face as he observed the hobbit and he remarked cheekily, "Why, we had expected a Mr. Boggins! Not a lass as lovely as you!"

Perhaps it was that remark that made Bilbo snap because her eye suddenly twitched and she slammed the door in their admittedly handsome faces. Fíli she thought, stopped the door with his boot as his companion's face looked crestfallen.

"Are we at the wrong house?" he asked, brown eyes huge.

"What? No, no!" she replied and he smiled.

"Well, that's a relief!" Kíli exclaimed and barged inside without a by-your-leave.

Fíli, smirking, strutted into the smial while Bilbo fumed silently. She went to take his coat and found her arms full of weapons, swords, and even a spade. She glared up at the blond dwarf, who warned her, "Be careful. I've just had them sharpened."

"Very nice house, Mrs. Boggins!" Kíli remarked as he rubbed his boots on her mother's glory box.

"Please don't do that!" she snapped and set down Fíli's swords roughly.

Fíli chuckled while Kíli looked faintly embarrassed. "Sorry, Mrs. Boggins." She frowned at the misuse of her name.

"Now," Fíli said and clapped his hands together. "Are there any others here or is it just you and Mr. Baggins?"

"Actually, there's no Mr.-" Bilbo began but was cut off by Kíli's astonished cry of, "Mr. Dwalin!"

The young dwarf clapped the burly Dwalin on his padded shoulder. The warrior allowed himself a small smile from under his beard and he nodded respectfully at Fíli. "C'mon, lads, we need to move the table. We won't be able to fit anybody in that tiny kitchen!"

Bilbo was about to remark that her kitchen was a very decent size, thank you very much, when she realized the dwarf's words. There will be more, she though, slightly horrified. Dear, she was going to play hostess, but this was taking things a bit far! She had no idea what to make for dwarves, especially with such a crowd! She began to protest a bit as her precious floors were scratched up as the dwarves moved her tables together.

"My dear dwarves, please!" she began and the doorbell rang again. Ding-dong-a-ling-dang. She was really starting to hate that bell. And what was that hard rat-tat? Somebody was banging on her freshly painted door with a stick! Stamping to her door, she screeched, "THERE IS NOBODY HOME! GO AND BOTHER SOMEBODY ELSE! THERE ARE TOO MANY DWARVES IN MY FU- ARGH!"

A gaggle of dwarves collapsed onto the poor hobbit once she threw open the door. By the Valar, how many were there?! Poor Miss Baggins felt the air knock out of her as an exceptionally fat dwarf fell right on top of her and she let out a squeak of fright at the thought of being crushed to death by a bunch of heavy dwarves.

She heard laughter and swore softly once she recognized the daft old wizard's voice as he commented, "My dear girl, it is very unlike you to keep guests waiting on the mat and open the door like a pop-gun! Very improper!"

"What's improper is being crushed by several dwarves!" groaned Bilbo and the fat dwarf was lifted off of her. He looked extremely flustered and apologized so kindly that Bilbo mumbled, "Pray don't mention it, dear dwarf!"

"Ah, see, Bombur?" called a hatted dwarf with a long mustache. He wrapped his arm around the ginger dwarf. "Hobbits are gentle creatures and very forgiving! Wouldn't be good if we all continued to fall on top of them. As you can see, Mr.-" the dwarf suddenly stopped and seemed to take in her appearance for the first time before coughing and smiling widely, "Mrs. Baggins is no exception. Bofur, at your service!"

"Hello," Bilbo said weakly and one by one, the dwarves introduced themselves, though she mixed up the names terribly. For one thing, they all rhymed! How absurd! It was almost like this was a children's tale.

Soon Miss Baggin's coat rack was filled with twelve cloaks and matching hoods. The throng of dwarves made their way towards her dining room, clapping each other on the back in greeting and talking merrily. Bilbo blinked slowly and took a deep breath. Then another. She would need as much air as she could get before she started yelling at that damned wizard who had the nerve to look amused.

"Gandalf," she snapped and whirled to face the old man, who looked a bit sheepish, "A word in the parlor please?"

"Of course, my dear hobbit," he said amiably and she wondered if she could punch him. Maybe if he kneeled, she could stretch a bit... Admittedly, she had never punched anyone and never had to urge to. Except for Otho Baggins, but everyone wanted to hit that stupid hobbit.

Bilbo marched to her parlor room with Gandalf in tow, the wizard hunched so he wouldn't bump his head against the ceiling. A few of the dwarves laughed at the sight of the wizard trailing after the tiny hobbit like a lapdog. When she was sure they were alone (she wasn't going to yell at the wizard in front of everyone, she had some manners), she practically exploded.

"What on earth is going on?!" she shouted in a whisper. "Why are there dwarves in my home? If this has to do with that stupid adventure, I swear I will shove my foot up your-"

"Now, now, no need to get violent, Miss Baggins," Gandalf admonished and Bilbo pinched the bridge of her nose. "And yes, it does have to do with the adventure, though I'd prefer your two feet to stay on the ground, if you please."

Bilbo pressed her lips into a thin line. "Am I supposed to host this- this unexpected party?"

"I would certainly hope so," Gandalf said as he lit his pipe with his finger. "Not many hobbits are fond of outsiders. Dwarves would make some faint, even!"

Miss Baggins, growing increasingly annoyed, attempted to calm herself. She tugged restlessly at her necklace, trying to think of what to do. Her father would have been huffing and puffing, no doubt about it. But her mother and Rory? Why, they would laugh and join the dwarves. They would play host and cook (although Rory was a terrible cook, he had always tried). Bilbo let go of her necklace and looked up at Gandalf who was watching her curiously.

Probably wondering if she was going to explode again. Smart man.

"Fine," she said quietly. "I'll play host. But my pantry better be restocked by the end of the week!" She tried her best to looking threatening, but probably failed miserably.

Bilbo shook her curly head once more in an attempt to clear her thoughts and entered back into the madness overtaking her house. She dodged several dwarves carrying items of food (and even her best beer barrel!). She had to admit she may have insisted that four blocks of cheese was a tad excessive to Bombur, but he looked so glum that she told him to enjoy the food, but please, Master Dwarf, just use a cheese knife.

She quickly retreated into her room to put on more appropriate clothing and chose a dark blue skirt along with her nice white top with the puffy sleeves and striped bodice. Quickly putting on her black choker with its silver pendant and tucking her leather chord into her blouse, she reentered her kitchen and set about making something for the dwarves. If she was going to host, she would do it right.

"Mrs. Baggins?" a quiet voice asked and she turned to see Bombur standing awkwardly by the entrance. "Do you need any assistance?"

She blinked in surprise at the shy manner of such a large fellow, but quickly recovered herself. "Of course, Master Dwarf! I trust you know your way around a kitchen?"

He smiled softly and his ears pinked. "I cook for my wife and children, Mrs. Baggins."

"How wonderful!" Bilbo commented as she stirred her stew. "And it's Miss Baggins, if you please. I'm not married."

Bombur, bless him, just nodded without comment. Bilbo was a little surprised, in all honesty. Almost always someone commented on her living alone without any children or a husband. Sometimes they were merely worried for her safety, or sometimes they were just being downright rude for the sake of embarrassing her in front of guests. It was a pleasant change. Together, the hobbit and the rotund dwarf were able to make two pies and three pots of stew for the hungry dwarves.

Bilbo laid out thirteen bowls on the table while the dwarves around her brought other food from her pantry. She passed a bowl to a young dwarf with a bowl cut who blushed when she smiled at him. The silver haired dwarf next to him with a bulbous nose and intricately braided hair gave him a look while the dwarf with his hair plaited like a star admired the cutlery.

"Thank you, Mrs. Baggins," he thanked her quietly and Bilbo felt her smile grow wider once the silver haired dwarf, he must have been his brother, nodded approvingly.

"Say, Baggins," drawled a voice and she turned to see the pointy-haired dwarf with braided eyebrows holding her forks. "This real silver?"

"Nori!" hissed the elder dwarf and grabbed the fork from his hand, turning apologetically to the hobbit. "My apologies, Mrs. Baggins, but my brother seems to have forgotten all of his manners."

Bilbo felt herself laugh and shrug. "It's fine. Enjoy your meal!"

What followed next was an extraordinary display of absolutely revolting manners, drinking, and burping. Not to mention food throwing. Miss Baggins stood in the corner of the room, nibbling on a biscuit as her appetite was quite taken away. The dwarves were exceptionally loud, laughing and joking jovially with their mouths open. Bilbo felt her jaw drop when Fíli strode across her table, cool as you please, asking if anyone wanted an ale. He must have noticed her distress since he handed her a mug.

"You look like you could use a drink, Mrs. Baggins!" he exclaimed and she nearly sloshed beer all over her blouse. He seemed to notice her outfit change since he stared at her skirt and top for so long it made her uncomfortable. "Sorry, Mrs. Baggins, it's just that I never realized how oddly hobbits dressed! Practically no furs at all! Not even any shoes!"

Bilbo fought back the urge to retort that hobbits dressed wonderfully and dwarves were the ones who dressed strangely, but Fíli was called over to his brother. Gandalf was chuckling once again, thoroughly happy he was ruining Bilbo's evening, and she glared furiously at him. Soon the dwarves had all finished eating (except for Bombur) and they all began to clean up. Bilbo shot up from her spot in her corner.

"It's alright, I've got this," she said and took some plates from a gray haired dwarf with an ear trumpet. He looked puzzled, so she added, "It's tradition in the Shire for the host to clean up."

"What?" he said loudly and she raised her eyebrows. "You're for hire? No thanks, lassie, but I've got my eye on a dam back in Ered Luin."

Bilbo stared at him incredulously and then felt her plate being taken from her hands. "Here, Mrs. Baggins," Fíli said, "I'll take this. Kíli! Catch!"

The tired hobbit let out a shriek as one of her best dishes was thrown through the air and caught by Kíli. The brunette dwarf threw it towards another, the one with the axe in his head, who caught it without looking and deposited it in the sink. The dwarves remaining at the table began to bang their utensils and plates in a steady rhythm and Bilbo felt her eye twitch once more.

"Can you please not do that?" she shouted. "And don't do that to the knives! You'll blunt them!"

"Oh, did ya hear that, lads?" Bofur teased. "She said we'll blunt the knives."

Then the dwarves broke into a song that sounded suspiciously rehearsed.

"_Blunt the knives, bend the forks_!" sang Kíli as he caught another plate.

"_Smash the bottles and burn the corks_!" joined Fíli, smiling at Bilbo as she resembled a tomato, color rising to her face.

"_Chip the glasses and crack the plates_!" the dwarves sang and banged against the table. "That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!"

"_Cut the cloth and trail the fat!_

_Leave the bones on the bedroom mat! _

_Poor the milk on the pantry floor!_

_Splash the wine on every door!_"

Bilbo let out a breathless shout as she was suddenly swept up by no one other than Kíli, damn him and his cheeky smile, and he spun her so wildly she was sure she would fly away. She hoped no one had seen her small clothes from under her skirts, but the thought was quickly banished when her hand was grabbed by Nori who also spun her. Soon she was being passed between dwarves, unable to copy their footwork as she was working on not falling on her face and that was saying much as she was one of the fastest dancers in the Shire.

"_Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl,_

_Pound them up with a thumping pole!_

_And when you're finished, if they're whole,_

_Send them down the hall to role!_

_That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!_"

They finished off with a bang, thumping their mugs together and sloshing beer everywhere. Bilbo spun wildly one last time, colliding right into poor Ori and nearly knocking him to the ground. She apologized profusely when suddenly three heavy knocks sounded on her door and everyone froze. The dwarves slowly turned to the wizard expectedly and Gandalf released smoke through his nose. The dim light from his pipe made him look eerie and sorcerous.

"He's here," he said deeply and Bilbo nearly fainted right then and there.

"There's another one?" she muttered irritably.

**I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. For now, updates will be once a week every Friday (though that may change in the future since school will be done soon)**


	2. Chapter 2

**So, early update ;P I'd just like to say a quick thank you to everyone who followed, favorited, or reviewed this fic :) I got a lot more views than I had expected! Just let me know what you think of the story via reviews (which really help!), favorites, or follows. Thanks!**

**Chapter 2**

Gandalf excused himself to answer the door, and the rest of the dwarves followed to greet the last guest. Bilbo frowned, wondering who on earth would cause such a reaction among the dwarves, and scampered to her kitchen to prepare him a small meal. She scooped some stew into a bowl and got some ale, placing them at the head of the table. She heard her door creak open and Gandalf say something so she quickly rejoined the dwarves.

Standing behind Kíli, she was struggling to see the new visitor as he was quite tall for a dwarf. The company was very quiet, so different from before it was almost as if they were completely new people. Almost like soldiers. But that was a ridiculous notion and Bilbo brushed it aside.

"Gandalf," said the visitor pleasantly. He had a very deep voice, much deeper than any hobbit man's, and it was a bit intimidating. "You said this place would be easy to find. I lost my way. Twice."

"That's what signs are for," Bilbo muttered and Kíli guffawed.

"I wouldn't have found it at all if it weren't for the mark on the door," he continued and Bilbo froze, "Now, is your Master Burglar here or not?"

"Mark?" Bilbo said indignantly, pushing her way through the wall of dwarves. "There's no mark on that door-" she was ready to go on a good deal more, but the breath was sucked out of her lungs when she saw the new dwarf.

He was absolutely terrifying, but in a different way than you might assume. Regal, imposing, almost like a king. This one was tall, like Kíli and Dwalin, with long dark hair streaked with silver and a close cropped beard. He wore blue leather armor and an expensive fur coat that practically read "IMPORTANT". The dwarf looked her up and down and bowed his head respectfully to her.

"Allow me to introduce the leader of our company," Gandalf said deeply, "Thorin Oakenshield."

"Madame, I would wish to speak with your husband, if you'd please," he said politely and cast a suspicious glance at the wizard. "Bilbo Baggins, I am told he is called."

"I- I'm Bilbo Baggins," she stuttered out.

A stormy look cast over the dwarf's face and he looked menacingly at Gandalf. "We will talk later, Wizard." Then he crossed his arms, circling around our poor hobbit like a predator stalking a kill. "Mrs. Baggins, have you done any fighting? Axe or sword? What is your weapon of choice?"

Bilbo straightened up, suddenly feeling very offended at him assuming she was violent enough to carry a weapon. "I prefer a frying pan," she said in biting sarcasm, "Perfect to bash an annoying someone's head with." A few of the dwarves chuckled and Thorin smirked bitterly.

"Then my assumption about hobbits seems to be correct," he said and finally faced her, looming over her smaller frame. She stuck up her chin and did her best to give him a cold look. "She looks more like a barmaid than a burglar."

He walked off and the company chuckled almost reluctantly. Bilbo felt a rush of anger through her and grabbed the dwarf's arm. He was a bit shocked to say the least. "This barmaid is letting your men stay in her home," she whispered so the rest of the dwarves couldn't hear, "I suggest you show her some respect, Mr. High and Mighty."

Thorin narrowed his icy blue eyes at her and she held his gaze until Gandalf had to break it up before a fight occurred. "Now, now. Perhaps we should discuss these matters in Mistress Baggins's lovely kitchen. Bilbo, if you would be so kind."

Bilbo let go of the dwarf's admittedly muscular arm (perhaps being so rude wasn't such a good idea) and nodded stiffly, leading the way to where he would eat his meal. The exceptionally rude dwarf must have been very hungry as he ate his meal quickly and without complaint. The rest of the dwarves were silent, occasionally exchanging nervous glances.

"What news from the Iron Hills?" Dwalin asked from across the table. "Is Dain with us?"

Thorin looked longingly at his stew and rested the spoon on the bowl. "They will not come." This caused the dwarves to mutter to one another and Bilbo wondered who this Dain fellow was. "I am afraid that this quest is ours alone."

"Perhaps we could get more recruits from Ered Luin," suggested Dwalin, though he didn't sound very hopeful.

Gloin stroked his impressive red beard and shook his shaggy head. "I am afraid not. We have already requested the aid of every dwarf back in the Blue Mountains. If they had wanted to come, they would have. This quest is too dangerous for some."

"Sorry, but quest?" Bilbo asked, her face puzzled. "You're going on a quest?"

"Yes," Dori said patiently to her. "You know: mission, journey, adventure." Bilbo stiffened at the last word, but none noticed except for Gandalf and one other dwarf. She began fiddling with her necklace.

"I know what a quest is," she said, "What I meant was what is the actual quest? What is your goal?"

"Our story, Mistress Baggins," began Gandalf and he laid out a yellowed map with strange runes on it onto the table. The dwarves all leaned in and listened with rapt attention as the wizard continued, "Begins far to the east, on a single solitary peak: the Lonely Mountain. Are you familiar with it?"

Bilbo leaned over Thorin's shoulder, her candle close to the paper. "Sounds like something out of a fantasy story," she mused aloud.

"Aye, but it is no story," Gloin rumbled. "Oin has read the portents and the portents say it is time! We must retake the mountain so that the reign of the beast should end." He thumped the table for good measure and the dwarves nodded in agreement.

"This beast," Bilbo said quietly, only Gandalf and Thorin able to hear her, "Is a dragon?"

"Indeed, Mistress Baggins," answered the wizard, "Though I am sure you have only heard stories of such beasts. Like Ancalagon the Black."

"Of course, those were stories my parents used to tell me," she said, "But who is this dragon? I thought dragons would be extinct by now, if they are real."

"That would be Smaug the Terrible," Bofur answered for her after taking a long drag on his pipe. "Chiefest and Greatest Calamity of Our Age. Airborne fire-breather. Teeth like spears and claws like meat hooks. Extremely fond of precious metals and maidens such as yourself."

"Thank you," Bilbo cut him off tersely, "Because I am so in the dark that I don't even know what a dragon is, let alone what it's fond of. Very enlightening."

She could have sworn she saw Thorin smirk a bit, but it may have been her imagination. "If this dragon is still alive in the mountain, why do you need a burglar, as you called me? Shouldn't you have an army?"

"Ah, you see, Mistress Baggins," Balin said to her, "Our burglar is the one to go into the mountain and retrieve a certain object that would give the ruler power over the dwarven armies. This object is the-" Thorin shot Balin a look and the old dwarf snapped his mouth shut. "Well, if you agree to our terms then you will be properly informed."

"I apologize, Master Balin, but I'm no burglar," she protested. "Can't you just have Gandalf go in there and maybe kill the dragon?"

"She's right!" Kíli piped up. "Gandalf would have killed hundreds of dragons in his day!"

"Oh, I wouldn't say," Gandalf began, choking on his pipe. Bilbo felt the corners of her mouth twitch upward at his uncomfortableness.

"How many then?" asked Nori. "How many dragons have you killed?"

Gandalf coughed up several puffs of smoke and the dwarves were suddenly all on their feet, yelling at the wizard at the same time. The hobbit stepped back against her wall, a bit frightened at the sudden commotion. Thorin rolled his eyes and stood up, bellowing a command in a language Bilbo didn't recognize.

"If we have read the signs, do you not think others will have too? Eyes look towards the mountain, assessing and waiting. Are we going to just sit here and let orcs and goblins plunder our sacred halls? Or shall we take back Erebor?" He gave a rousing battle cry in what Bilbo assumed was dwarvish, and the company reacted with resounding approval.

"Thorin, I don't mean to put a damper on things, but the front gate is sealed!" declared Balin and Thorin sat down, a sour look on his face. "There is no way into Erebor."

"That, my dear dwarf, is not entirely true," said Gandalf in his usual vague way and he pulled yet another thing from his gray robes: a key. A rather large key, for Bilbo at least, with sturdy built and geometrical shapes complimented by harsh angles. It was so different from keys in the Shire that Bilbo's lips parted in surprise.

"How did you come by this?" asked Thorin breathlessly, almost reverently.

"It was given to me by your father for safe-keeping," Gandalf replied. "Now it is yours." He handed Thorin the key and the dwarf handled it as if it were made of glass. He slipped the key on a fine silver chain around his head and nodded thankfully at the old man.

"This key will reveal a hidden door to the Lonely Mountain," Gandalf addressed the company. "We must be at this door at the exact moment and place for it to open." Thorin let out a gasp so quiet that even Bilbo barely heard him.

"My father and grandfather escaped the mountain without us," Thorin said softly. "We had no idea how they got out... They never said... They must have used the hidden entrance," he said more firmly, getting a grip of his emotions. "Although the entrance didn't save them from their singed beards."

Gandalf nodded. "Exactly!"

"And that's why we need a burglar!" Ori spoke up, sounding excited from all the adventure talk.

"Yes, a very good one indeed," Fíli said and looked pointedly at Bilbo who nearly squeaked in indignition.

"I literally just said that I'm not a burglar!" Miss Baggins exclaimed. "Did you honestly not hear me?"

"Oh, we did," Bofur added. "We were just hoping you were being modest, is all."

"Well, I'm not so- so there you have it," Bilbo finished rather lamely and the dwarves began grumbling.

"Aye, she's right," Dwalin agreed, his finger tracing his knuckle dusters thoughtfully, "The wild is no place for gentle folk. Especially women folk who could marry and bear heirs."

Bilbo kept her mouth clamped shut, her face paling slightly, and she had to remind herself that these dwarves didn't know she couldn't have children. Breathe, Bilbo, breathe, she told herself. After all, they were just trying to give her an opportunity to have a family, right? The company of dwarves in her dining room began adding in their own two cents.

"Maybe if we trained her, she could fight," suggested Ori meekly and Gloin shook his head.

"A woman on the quest would only serve as a distraction," Oin stated, holding his ear trumpets to hear the other arguments. Bilbo sputtered and Gandalf laid a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"I'd see that as a gain, actually," interjected Kíli and was silenced by a stern glare from Thorin.

Arguments for the hobbit and against the hobbit grew louder and louder until the words were barely distinguishable. Meanwhile Gandalf was looking extremely angry, practically shaking. He stood up to his full height and a shadow seemed to take over the room, silencing the dwarves as he declared in a magnified voice:

"Enough! If I say Bilbo Baggins is a burglar than a burglar she is!" he commanded and sat down, the shadow dispersing from the room. Bilbo let out a tiny squeak of fright that she hoped no one heard.

"This Baggins is the daughter of Belladonna Took who I have taken on many an adventure. She is from the long line of Tooks, the most adventurous of hobbits, including the great Bullroarer Took who once charged the goblin ranks and knocked the captain's head clean off with a bat! If she is half of what her mother and ancestors were, then she will be instrumental to our quest."

Thorin seemed to mull over this, blue eyes flickering from Bilbo to Gandalf. "Balin, give her a contract," he ordered and Balin, smiling kindly at the flustered hobbit, handed her a long roll of parchment.

"It's just the usual," he explained comfortingly. "Reward, medical insurance, funeral arrangements. That sort of thing."

"Fu-Funeral arrangements?" Bilbo quietly repeated and unfurled the contract which touched the ground.

Her eyebrows furrowed, she skimmed over some of the sections, getting up to a part about lacerations when she realized she was standing a bit too close to the company leader. Taking a step back, she continued on. Then her hazel eyes widened almost comically as she looked at Balin and Thorin in terror.

"Evisceration?" she echoed. "Incineration? What the- what?"

"Aye, Smaug'll melt your flesh off your bones in the blink of an eye," added Bofur ever-so-helpfully. "Big flash of light, searing pain, and poof! you're nothing but a pile of ash!"

"I, um, I think I need a moment," said Miss Baggins and leaned her hands on her knees in an attempt to catch her breath.

Bofur continued on about incredibly painful deaths, but Bilbo's head was too fuzzy to think properly. Don't you remember your last "adventure"? a voice in her head taunted. Haven't you've seen enough blood to last a lifetime during that winter? Flashes of pure white snow raced through her mind, the sound of wolves howling echoing in her ears.

_Screaming_.

Why was someone screaming? Had it been her during that Fell Winter? She sounded inhuman.

_Scarlet on the snow. Blood. Blood. So much blood_.

_"Bilbo, one day we're going to go on an adventure."_

_But the snow kept on falling as if it had no idea of the havoc it had caused. Rory's lifeless brown eyes staring up at her, his throat ripped out and dripping hot, sticky blood. She heard her mother's sobs at her father's funeral after he had grown ill, and Miss Baggins heard her Rory's desperate screams for her to run and get help. _

_"Where, Rory?"_

_And then her mother wilting away to nothing, the grief slowly consuming her_.

"_Somewhere beautiful."_

What if this quest failed? What if the dragon was released? Would there be even more blood?

"Mistress Baggins?" a voice said and she saw Thorin and Balin standing up, observing her cautiously. Balin was reaching out for her while Thorin looked plain worried. Gandalf was moving out of his chair, the other dwarves looking on in shock. "Are you alright?"

She covered her mouth with her hand, slowly making her way down her throat to grab her leather chain. She barely noticed Thorin narrow his eyes curiously at her necklace. "I'm fine. I'm fine. I just need to- to-"

With that, the gentler descendent of Bullroarer Took collapsed onto her floor. Thorin gave Balin a look that spoke volumes of the message "I told you so". Bofur and Kíli offered to carry Bilbo to her parlor room, where they rested her on her comfortable couch. Thorin looked disapprovingly at the sleeping hobbit and turned to Gandalf.

"How do you expect her to face a dragon when she fainted at the mere mention of one?" he asked him and Gandalf nibbled on his pipe wonderingly.

"Hm. I am afraid I may have awakened some rather bad memories," Gandalf said at last and Thorin raised an eyebrow. "Bilbo's mother died when she was quite young, her father before that, and a good friend of hers also, or so I'm told by the locals. Perhaps mentioning Belladonna Took had been a bad idea."

"You think?" Thorin grumbled and stalked off. "I'm going to join my kin. We need some relaxation since we will be travelling a long, hard journey. With or without the hobbit." Then Thorin stopped and said as an afterthought, "It does not bode well with me to sweep up a woman of an age where she still has time to start a family. Everyone needs a family."

"Bilbo is fifty years old, Thorin," Gandalf said irritably, "If she had wanted to have a family, she would have by now. Now leave. It looks like she might awaken and we both know how your presence irks her."

Thorin's eye twitched in annoyance, but he made his way back to the rest of the dwarves. Bilbo woke not a minute later and was handed tea by Gandalf. She took a sip, but her hand was shaking so hard that the tea spilled on her skirt. Gandalf creased his bushy eyebrows worriedly.

"My dear," he said gravely, "Are you feeling well?"

She stubbornly nodded. "Yes, just caught off a bit unawares. It's not a problem."

"I think it is a problem," Gandalf said passionately and puffed on his pipe. "Bilbo, there is nothing but bad memories for you here."

"That's not-"

"True? Oh, I think it is, my dear hobbit," the old wizard said patiently, "Even if you haven't realized it yet. When have your doilies and books become more important than your thirst to see the world? To help? To go on an adventure?"

Bilbo cringed at the word. "No, don't, don't say that word. It's exactly was he- he said before he died."

"What word?" Gandalf questioned her and knelt down. The hobbit's eyes were filling with tears.

She just shook her head. "You know." Letting out a deep shuddering breath, she looked up at the wizard with clouded eyes and said, "Gandalf, I can't go. I am a Baggins of Bag-end. This is where I belong and where I'll live out the rest of my days."

Gandalf let out a disappointed sigh. "Bilbo, my dear, perhaps if you explained to me as to why you're so upset, I could help you."

"No, I don't need to explain," she snapped. "I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry, Gandalf, I really am. This is a noble cause, but I'm just a hobbit. Hobbits aren't meant for great things. They're meant for some good food, comfort, and a warm hearth. They're meant for frivolous things and family and children. It's bad enough I can't have the last thing, so please, let me keep my lifestyle." She sighed, her body drooping with exhaustion. "Good night, Gandalf."

"Good night, my dear," he said, not keeping the sadness from his voice as she shambled back to her room.

Bilbo locked the door and wiped her eyes, hoping none of the dwarves had seen her teary eyes. They must have thought she was even more useless than before. Bilbo sniffled and reached out for her handkerchief on her dresser, rubbing at her eyes. She slowly stripped from her garments, putting on an oversized tunic. She stood in front of the mirror, her eyes red-rimmed and her leather chord startlingly dark against her olive skin. She began to braid her hair when she heard a low humming coming from her living room.

She immediately stopped and listened. Were the dwarves singing? Then the words started and Bilbo felt as if she were swept up into a fairy tale as she listened raptly to the beautiful singing.

"_Far over, the misty mountains cold,_

_To dungeons deep, and caverns old,_

_We must awake ere break of day, _

_To find our long forgotten gold. _

_The pines were roaring on the height,_

_The winds were moaning in the night;_

_The fire was red, it flaming spread,_

_The trees like torches blazed with light."_

That night Bilbo Baggins had unsettling, strange dreams filled with dragon fire, dwarf princes, and long-forgotten memories.

**Thanks for reading! I have BIG plans for this fic. Currently I'm halfway through finishing it since I have all the chapters planned out. Just a notice that this will expand from a lot in the movie, and there will be a few differences. Like from Mirkwood on, there's going to be a mixture of the book and movie with some other things added in :) Remeber to review 3**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks so much for all the kind words! I absolutely love reviews, since I get to know if I'm doing bad, good, whatever... I hope you enjoy this chapter! Also, if anyone needs help imagining my Bilbo, just think of Jennifer Morrison :) she's such a cutie and is definitely my Bilbo, although my Bilbo isn't as slender ? (she IS a proper hobbit, and all proper hobbits need little round bellies) **

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN THE HOBBIT**

**Chapter 3**

Sunlight poured through the round window of Bilbo's bedroom as the hobbit slept peacefully in her bed. Rolling over, the sunlight went directly in her eyes, causing her to squeeze them shut and slowly open them. She let out a tired groan, rubbing her eyes and staring at her ceiling. She had had the strangest dream last night. What had it been about again? Dwarves? And a dragon and-

Oh.

It had been real. Bilbo shot out of bed, grabbing her robe to cover herself a bit more, and bolted out of her room and into the halls. She skidded into her kitchen, expecting to see the dwarves and or a complete mess, but everything was clean. Astonishingly clean, in fact, and Bilbo's jaw dropped as she saw how her pans sparkled. She peeked into the dining room which had been restored to proper order and had been laid out with clean dishes and silverware (though one plate was missing a spoon and a butter knife).

Bilbo patted her cheeks. "All done now. No more dwarves for this Baggins," she mumbled to herself and set out to dust her mantlepiece.

Grabbing her feather duster, she carefully dusted her mother and father's portraits and moved on to her glass sets when she stopped. A small folded piece of paper rested on the mantlepiece with fancy writing of her name on the front. Bilbo hesitated before grabbing it and gently unfolded it. It read as follows:

_Thorin and Company to Mistress Burglar Bilbo in greeting! We give our sincerest thanks for your hospitality, and for your professional assistance. Terms: cash on delivery, up to and not exceeding one fourteenth of total profits (if any); all traveling expenses guaranteed in any event; funeral expenses to be defrayed by us or our representatives, if occasion arises and the matter is not otherwise arranged for._

_Thinking it unnecessary to disturb your esteemed repose, we have proceeded in advance to make preparations, and shall await your respected person at the Green Dragon Inn, Bywater, at 11 a.m. sharp. Trusting that you will be punctual, we have the honor to remain yours deeply, _

_Thorin and Co._

_P_._S. Your mother would be proud of you no matter your choice. _

_-G_

Miss Baggins bit her lip and felt more tears well up in her eyes. She had been doing a lot of crying lately, hadn't she? Bilbo clutched the paper tighter and looked at her clock. 10:40. She had twenty minutes. Should she go and reclaim a homeland? Or stay in Bag-end and live a simple, comfortable life with her armchair and her books? She began to shake her head and crumpled up the note.

"I won't do it," she said in an attempt to convince herself that she most certainly did not want to partake in this adventure, thank you. But then she had to look at the note and then the clock.

10:42.

"I'm an idiot," she mumbled with a sigh and ran into her room to pack her things.

She tore off her shirt, grabbing a button up along with her cream colored bodice with the acorn buttons. She briefly debated bringing any pants as she shoved several skirts into her backpack, then realized she didn't own any trousers, as a hobbit woman of her age shouldn't wear any. Oh dear. Grumbling to herself about fashion, she hopped into her red patterned skirt and shrugged on her rust colored velvet coat.

She shoved a few pairs of undergarments in her bag along with a nice dress, two books, and pocket knife that her father had owned, and a floppy leather hat. Miss Baggins quickly tied her emerald green ascot around her neck (she was abandoning most of her layered skirts so she had to maintain some propriety) and tucked her leather necklace into her shirt. Bilbo shouldered her backpack and grabbed her walking stick.

Now where had that damned contract been? Ah, on her kitchen table! She scrawled her name in her long, spidery script and checked her clock. 10:50.

She'd have to run for it.

And that was why Bilbo Baggins, the prim and proper daughter of Bungo Baggins and Belladonna Took, sprinted across the Hill and towards the Bywater at break neck speed, her hair and contract waving wildly in the breeze. She scared several hobbits along the way, including her gardener, young Hamfast Gamgee, who stuttered out, "Miss Bilbo, where are you going?!"

"I can't stop, Hamfast, I'm already late!" She shouted breathlessly. "I'm going on a quest! Do watch over Bag-end for me, that's a good lad!"

Hamfast, the poor boy, didn't even have time to reply since Miss Baggins ran past him. She made it to the Bywater at exactly 11:00 a.m., huffing and puffing. The dwarves had taken their time of meeting seriously and were already outside the Green Dragon, packing and preparing to depart on their ponies. A slightly smaller pony was in the back for the hobbit. Balin, who had seen her running, let out a cry of joy that attracted the attention of the other dwarves.

"Excellent!" he cheered and clapped her on the back and she rested her hands on her skirts. "For a moment, I had almost mistaken you for a mother running after her children! There are certainly many wild young hobbits in these parts!" He didn't notice her grimace at the mention of children.

Thorin rode over on a dappled gray pony, his hair billowing in the wind. Bilbo stood up straight and wished her cheeks weren't so flushed from running. Some of the dwarves were chuckling at her appearance, but Thorin, however, wore a stony expression.

"Get on your pony, Mistress Baggins," he said gruffly. "We are getting ready to depart."

"Ah, about that," Bilbo began, "That sounds great and all, but I'm not overly fond of ponies and they're not overly fond of me. Besides, I've forgotten my pocket handkerchief which I need to get-"

Thorin held up a hand to silence her. "Halfling, you ran two miles and your cheeks are as red as apples. You're going to need a pony." He kicked his pony to meet with Gandalf's huge white horse, Bilbo glaring at his retreating form.

"You will have to manage without a good deal of things, lass," Dwalin called from his pony. "Including pocket handkerchiefs. But don't be afraid to ask any of the company for anything you need. Can't have you getting hurt or sick with such a long journey ahead."

Bilbo narrowed her eyes at the dwarf, unsure if he was teasing her or being genuinely sincere. Fíli brought over her little pony, stroking the beast's muzzle gently.

"Her name's Myrtle," he told her and held out a hand for her. "Do you need some help getting on."

"I can manage," lied Bilbo, eying the pony warily. Myrtle seemed to notice her discomfort because she whinnied and shifted anxiously.

"Alright then," Fíli replied in a disbelieving tone of voice. "If you're sure."

It turned out that Miss Baggins was not sure, as Nori and Dori had to help her get onto her pony. Dori, being incredibly strong and miscalculating the hobbit's weight, sent her flying off on the other side, barreling into Bifur. A few apologies and a hand-up later, Bilbo was uncomfortably seated on her pony, her legs locked in a vice grip around the horse's sides. It neighed several times, often startling her, and continued at a slower pace than the other ponies.

"Miss Baggins, your pony would do much better," Gandalf said patiently once he rode his horse towards her, "If you would stop squeezing her."

"Sorry," apologized Bilbo sheepishly and unlocked her legs, still feeling like she would fall off. Myrtle was less skittish afterward and Bilbo smiled proudly at her pony.

"How are you feeling, my dear?" he asked her, sticking out his bushy eyebrows.

"I'm good," Bilbo said honestly and looked into her bag for her hat. With a cry of triumph at locating it, she put it on her windswept hair. "And you?"

"Quite alright," answered the wizard. "Admittedly, I was a bit worried you wouldn't come."

"Oh?" Bilbo didn't sound all that surprised. Gandalf nodded.

"Yes. During our stay at the Green Dragon, I heard some rumors that you had quite lost your sense of adventure." She stiffened, a response Gandalf had anticipated. "So, were the rumors true?"

"Depends on the type of rumors," muttered Bilbo.

Gandalf harrumphed. "You know, I don't believe that Brownlock lad would have wanted you to stay cooped up in your smial. Or your mother and father, for that matter. You are doing them both proud."

Bilbo let out a deep breath through her nose, playing with her necklace. "Thank you," she said shortly and faced forward, indicating that the conversation was over. Thankfully, the wizard took the hint and strode his pony back to Balin's and Thorin's.

Miss Baggins rode in silence for a short while until she heard someone clear their voice. She turned in her saddle to see Nori riding his pony beside her, Ori trailing uncertainly behind him. Nori raised his braided eyebrows once he saw her wary expression. A glint of silver shone from out of his pocket and Bilbo thought it looked suspiciously like her spoon.

"Good morning," Nori said and Bilbo agreed. "My brother is hoping to ask you questions about hobbits. He's too shy to actually ask you himself, of course, so I thought I'd help."

"Really?" Bilbo asked, her brow raised. "He wants to know about hobbits?"

"Is there an echo in here?" asked Nori sarcastically and Miss Baggins rolled her eyes.

"It's fine by me," she said as kindly as she could, a little louder than necessary so that Ori could hear her.

The bowl-cut haired dwarf trotted his pony over to her, his face a mixture of excitement and curiosity. "Do you mean it?"

Bilbo shrugged. "Of course I do. Mind you, I'm not exactly an expert in hobbit history, but I can answer your questions to the best of my ability."

What followed were several polite questions about hobbit lifestyle, food, games, fashion, marriage rituals, and other such things. Ori seemed to be fascinated, of all things, by Bibo's lessons. And here she thought that hobbit would seem oh so boring to such an interesting band of dwarves. They were on a quest to defeat a dragon and reclaim a homeland, after all.

Ori was absolutely shocked at the amount of children hobbits had, and was particularly interested in their marriage rituals. Bilbo wondered if a romance story about hobbits would be written by the young dwarf one day and grinned at the thought. She knew a hopeless romantic when she saw one, and it was kind of cute, in a way.

"Miss Baggins," Ori began, "If marriage is so important to hobbits, then why haven't you married?"

Bilbo clutched the reigns of her pony tighter and wondered how many other dwarves were listening. "Guess I never found the right person," she lied through her teeth. She had found several nice persons: Rose Diggle, Clyde Fairbarne, Daisy Goodchild, and of course, Rory, whom she had been closest with and had been with for the longest. It was just that most of her ex-lovers had moved on, found new people.

Or were just not around anymore, in one's case.

Ori nodded and then visibly brightened. "Maybe you could find someone on the journey! There are lots of eligible bachelors in the Iron Hills and the Blue Mountains, especially since female dwarves are very few."

"Thank you, Ori," Bilbo said sincerely, "But I think I'll focus on the actual task at hand, rather than finding a husband."

"That's understandable, of course," Ori quickly added, though he sounded a little disappointed.

"Ori, I highly doubt hobbits could even have children with dwarves anyway," a voice said and Fíli and Kíli came riding in on their ponies.

Bilbo pressed her lips into a thin line. "Why do you think so?"

"They're so different," explained Kíli. "I mean, the statures are slightly similar, but otherwise it may not be physically possible. Considering the, ah, rough nature of dwarves and the gentle nature of hobbits."

"Exactly," Fíli agreed.

"Hm," Bilbo said, pretending to look thoughtful, "However shall I explain this dilemma to my good friend, Laura, who has children that were the effect of a night with a dwarf from a caravan to the mountains?"

Fíli and Kíli's jaws dropped and Ori giggled in his palm. "You're lying," Kíli accused of her and she shrugged.

"Believe it or not, it's true," she said. "And the children are lovely, very polite and respectful."

The rest of the day passed with tales and songs, both of which Bilbo enjoyed immensely. It seemed that dwarves and hobbits shared one thing in common: a love of story-telling. Bofur was the best story teller of the company, unsurprising given his cheerful and optimistic attitude. He would've gotten along famously with the friendlier hobbits of the Shire, especially the Tooks and Brandybucks. Fíli and Kíli were also good as well, although they interrupted each other and finished each other's sentences so uncannily that it almost scared the hobbit.

Gloin told stories of his son, Gimli, and wife, Iris. The other dwarves exchanged bored looks at that, Fili and Kili pretending to fall asleep in an attempt to make Bilbo laugh as she sat atop her pony, listening intently to Gloin's tales. His son was only fourty-two (goodness, he's almost as old as me yet acts so young, thought Bilbo worriedly) and his wife was the most beautiful dwarrowdam in all of the Blue Mountains with her golden hair and neatly braided beard.

"Beard?" Bilbo stuttered out, almost choking on her pipe, which she had thankfully stowed in her bag. "Dwarven women have beards?"

"Aye," said Gloin, "Though they're more well maintained than the men's. It all depends on the dwarrowdam, ya see. Some can grow mighty fine beards down to their chest, while others can only grow a fine layer or some impressive sideburns. We treasure our women all the same."

Bilbo nodded slowly. "Interesting. And here, hobbits don't have any beards at all! Not even the men!" Then she looked thoughtful. "Although, some Tooks and Brownlocks who had married humans were able to grow one," she remembered with a smile how Rory had hated the scruff on his face that always seemed to come back.

"Humans?" cried Bofur jokingly. "Do you hobbits know no bounds?"

Bilbo just laughed and decided that, at the end of this quest, she'd invite the company all to a hobbit part. Maybe except for Thorin. He might scare some people. But Fíli and Kíli would get along famously with the young lads and lasses. As they exchanged more stories and songs, Bilbo thought that maybe, just maybe, this quest wouldn't be so bad.

1111111111111111111111111111111111

Never mind.

Bilbo Baggins hated quests. First it was the scoldings then the rain, and then the incident with the- well, you'll find out about that in due time. Bilbo wasn't sure if Thorin knew she could actually see since that blasted dwarf kept on sending her glares and irritated stares. Mostly she avoided his gaze, sometimes staring back challengingly (to which he would quickly look away). He was evidently not happy she had joined the quest, which had made Bilbo want to stay all the more, just to spite him.

Perhaps she had asked for it when she had passive aggressively referred to him as "Thorn".

The rest of the dwarves were polite enough to her, although Fíli and Kíli had taken to bothering her, despite their uncle's clear dislike of the burglar. They also seemed to enjoy her hobbit customs and randomly rubbed their noses as Bilbo's as a joke (as that was a sign of familial affection). One night they had taken camp in a rocky cliff face, sleeping around the low fire with their ponies surrounding camp. Bilbo was having trouble sleeping thanks to the dwarves loud snoring. Irritably, she looked up and, to her horror, saw moths hovering over Gloin's face.

The dwarf let out another rumbling snore and sucked the moths right into his mouth, only for them to come back out! Bilbo made a face and quickly got up to go tend to Myrtle. She had grown fond of the pony, despite her misgivings. Handing her an apple, she whispered for her to not tell anyone. The pony nuzzled her hand and the hobbit smiled. Then an anguished scream and howl echoed throughout the campsite.

Wolves. Was that a wolf?

She had to take several deep breaths to calm herself, not even noticing Thorin jolt awake. This wasn't like the Fell Winter. She had a bunch of warrior dwarves. Right? She would be safe. Or so she hoped. She walked back to Fíli and Kíli, who were smoking their pipes on watch. She sat down next to Kíli, wrapping her arms around her knees.

"Were those wolves?" she whispered quietly as to not awaken the company.

Kíli shook his head. "Orcs."

"There'll be dozens out there," Fíli added, his voice serious. "They ambush weary travelers in the night. Quick and quiet. No screams."

"Just lots of blood," whispered Kíli, horrified, and Bilbo nearly gasped. Then she saw them exchange twin smirks and hit Kili's shoulder. Not hurting him since her fist bounced right off his padded shoulder.

"That's not funny," she said crossly and they both giggled immaturely. "Honestly, act your age."

Kíli laughed harder at this until Thorin's voice washed over the three, furious, "You think a night raid by orcs is a joke?"

The boys immediately stopped laughing and Bilbo looked away, feeling partly at fault. The boys had only said that to get a reaction out of her. She should've known better, but she was just a simple hobbit in the end. She looked cautiously up at Thorin, his blue eyes smoldering with icy fire.

"We didn't mean anything by it," Fíli said quietly. "We apologize."

Thorin just shook his head. "You two know nothing of the world."

He stalked off towards the edge of the cliff, looking out where the sounds had been heard. His hand rested on the hilt of his sword tightly, ready to draw it at any moment. Bilbo looked to Fíli and Kíli, who were now accompanied by Balin. Fíli looked ashamed of himself and the hobbit felt her heart twist in sympathy. Sometimes, it was amazing how quickly young people had to grow up; sad, but amazing.

"You know, that's why you're both on this journey," Miss Baggins comforted and placed her hand on Kíli's shoulder. The dwarf was tracing his gloved finger over a rune stone, a somber look etched into his young face. "To learn more about the world."

Balin nodded. "She's right, lads. Besides, Thorin has more cause than others to hate orcs."

Bilbo frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Maybe you shouldn't tell her yet-" Fíli whispered, but Balin raised a hand to silence him.

"She might as well know who she is following," the old dwarf defended. "Thorin is of the Line of Durin, the first dwarf in creation. Fíli and Kíli, his nephews, are next in line for the throne. After the fall of Erebor, Thorin was a prince in exile. His grandfather, stricken with the gold sickness, did not make a very useful king. Therefore, Thorin and his father, Thrain, had to take control of the situation. We traveled, taking small jobs here and there, and we were all equals. After settling in the Blue Mountains for a short time, that was when the trouble started.

"Azog the Defiler, the Pale Orc, swore to wipe out the Line of Durin during the War of the Dwarves and Orcs. He began by beheading King Thror at the Battle of Azanulbizar. He then killed Frerin brutally, Thorin's younger brother. Thrain was lost during the battle; we could never find the body for the count of death was too great. Thorin remained standing alone, facing the Defiler with naught but an oaken branch as a shield.

"His armor rent, he charged down the Defiler, cutting off his hand. Orcs carried the dying orc back into Moria, the Pale Orc shrieking and writhing in pain as he cursed out the Line of Durin. Thorin gathered the remains of the army and charged the orcs head on. We won the battle, but not without a cost. The dead were beyond count. We weren't even able to bury the bodies properly and had to burn them. There is where I saw Thorin," Balin said with a wistful gleam in his eye.

"And I thought to myself, 'There is one I could follow. There is one I could call king.'" He finished and sat down heavy next to Bilbo. "Now do you understand, Mistress Baggins?"

"Yes, thank you, Balin," she thanked him, though there was a horrible twisting gut in her stomach: guilt.

I should've treated him with more respect, she thought worriedly, but, then again, he should've treated me with more respect. She saw Thorin watching them out of the corner of her eye and he looked away once she stared at him.

"Balin," he said, voice a bit rough, "You should get some sleep. As should you, Halfling."

Bilbo suddenly felt all guilt run out of her at the term "halfling"- she was half of nothing, thank you!- and huffed, stalking to her bedroll. She tried falling asleep, but the images of a battle kept flashing across her mind. Thorin was once again leaning against a boulder, his eyes heavy with sleep. She wondered if there was more to this dwarf king than meets the eyes.

She then rolled over and felt into a light sleep scattered with bloody memories.

1111111111111111111111111111111111

Bilbo had always been fond of rain, mostly because there were never any really terrible rain storms in the Shire. But this storm was really starting to get on her nerves. Even the dwarves were anxious about it, mumbling about how their packs and food were soaked. It went on for a whole two days. Almost everyone lost sleep because of it. Now riding on their ponies, it seemed that the storm would never end.

Miss Baggins had to repeatedly shake her hat to rid itself of the water gathering on the brim. Her shirt was soaked through (which led to a rather awkward conversation with Balin, who advised her to button up her coat, while Fíli and Kíli snickered) and her coat wasn't much better. Her skirt kept gathering pools of rain, the fabric slicking to her thighs uncomfortably. Even the hair on her feet was wet!

"This is horrible," Bilbo mourned as she wrung out her hair, beginning to curly wildly thanks to the humidity. She felt thankful for her inheriting her mother's more wavy hair. "My hair is going to look like a bush."

"Or a sheep," suggested Kíli helpfully and she glared venomously at the dwarf. "You'll be a sheep-hobbit hybrid. A heep. A shobbit."

"Sheebbit," added in Fíli and she flicked the remaining rainwater in her hat at him.

"You two are terrible," she moaned, though there was a smile tugging at her lips at the youngsters' antics. They were much more laid back without the presence of their uncle. Maybe they thought they had to live up to the expectations of dwarven princes while around him.

"Ori, Gandalf!" Dori called and the wizard turned around in his saddle. "Can't you do something about this deluge?"

"It is raining, Master Dwarf," Gandalf stated, glaringly obvious, "And it will continue raining until the rain is done! If you want the weather changed, then find another wizard!"

"Are there any?" interjected Bilbo.

"Any what?" came the reply and she rolled her eyes.

"Other wizards."

"Ah," Gandalf said and nodded. "Yes, there are five of us. The highest of our order is Saruman the White. Then there's the two Blues, who have disappeared. They were called Allatar and Pallando. Very nice, though a little misguided. There is me and then Radagast the Brown."

"Is he powerful?" Bilbo asked and couldn't help but add, "Or more like you?"

"Honestly, the mouth on you!" Gandalf harrumphed. "I believe he is a very good wizard, in his own way. A strange way, mind you, but still a way."

Later on in the day when the rain had finally ceased, the Company made camp in a small clearing where a cottage in shambles rested. Thorin and Gandalf were arguing about something or another and Bilbo heard mentions of elves. Her pointed ears perked up. She had always been interested in elves as a young lass and had even went on escapades with Rory to find some. Thorin, however, didn't seem to be pleased with the prospect of elves.

Eventually, Gandalf stalked off muttering about annoying dwarves. Bilbo felt her heart flutter in fear at the thought of Gandalf leaving and ran after him.

"Gandalf, where are you going?" she cried, but he continued walking away surprisingly fast for such an old man.

"To seek some company with some sense!" he shouted angrily.

"And who's that?" Bofur called from his spot by the now lit fire.

"Myself!" The wizard shouted back and Bofur and Bilbo exchanged glances. "I've had enough of stubborn dwarves for one day!"

Gandalf disappeared into the trees and Bilbo's stomach lurched unpleasantly. Bofur clapped her on the back encouragingly, though all it did was nearly send her falling flat on her face.

"Well, Mistress Baggins," he said soothingly, "He'll come back soon enough once he's cooled off. Do you mind helping me with supper, by the way?"

Hours passed and night set in with still no sign of the Gray Wizard. Bilbo paced anxiously, wringing her hands. A few of the dwarves shook their heads at her antics and resumed their meal, although Bofur and Balin told her Gandalf would be back in no time flat. Even Bifur had attempted to communicate with her though in the end he just patted her shoulder gently.

"Here," Bofur's voice shook her from her thoughts, "Take this to the lads, would you?"

Bilbo nodded numbly and took the two bowls of hot stew, walking to where Fíli and Kíli were watching over the ponies. She found them both surprisingly silent, staring at something in the trees. She set down their bowls and nudged their shoulders, but they remained frozen.

"Mistress Baggins, how many ponies do we have?" Fíli asked suddenly and Bilbo frowned.

"Uh, sixteen? I think?"

"And how many do we have now?" Kíli asked, still staring at the ponies.

Bilbo quickly counted and blanched. "Fourteen. Kíli, where are the other two?"

"Damn," Kíli swore. "I was hoping I was just miscounting."

"You lost the ponies?!" Bilbo hissed and Fíli shook his head sadly.

"Thorin's gonna kill us," Kíli said with a hysterical, not quite sane laugh. "He's gonna bloody murder us. Then he's gone bring us back to life and murder us again."

"We should still tell him nonetheless," Miss Baggins argued and they looked horrified at the idea. "Don't worry, I'll say something nice at your burials."

"Actually," said Fíli, snaking an arm around her shoulders, "We were hoping you'd like to look into this. Being the burglar and all."

"Me?" Bilbo shouted and an orb of light shone through the trees.

"Get down!" Fíli whispered and grabbed her, pulling her down so hard that she yelped.

Kíli dodged behind a tree and peeked out, disgust twisting at his face. The trees creaked and the ponies whinnied, a deep and groggy voice piercing the silence. Kíli scowled so fiercely that it could rival his uncle's.

"Trolls," he spat once the troll was out of view. "We need to do something."

"Exactly," Fíli agreed and turned to the hobbit. "Mistress Baggins, we need you to steal back the ponies."

"But I'm not even a proper burglar," whined Bilbo. "I'll just botch it up and get eaten by trolls!"

"Nonsense," said Kíli hastily and pushed her in the direction of the troll's camp. "We wouldn't let that happen! We'll be behind you the whole time."

"Besides," Fíli added, "If you're in trouble, hoot once like a barn owl and twice like a barn owl!"

"Hoot like a-wait what? Boys-" she suddenly stopped once she turned around. The two dwarves were nowhere in sight. "Figures," she muttered and began to sneak into the troll's camp.

Bilbo wasn't sure what she expected trolls to look like, but she had never envisioned them so horribly ugly. There were three of them around the fire, dressed in loincloths, thank the Valar. Each of them had lumpy, mottled skin a sickly yellow and big feet and meaty hands. They all shared the same beady eyes and squashed noses, their teeth little yellow nubs and their mouths salivating. Their horrid stench made Bilbo's eyes water and she clamped her hand over her nose in disgust.

All three were arguing over the fire, their voices deep and their words sounding more like grunts. A neighing sound was heard and Bilbo's eyes followed towards a makeshift pen containing the missing ponies. Bilbo crept in the shadows toward the ponies, keeping towards the bushes to not be spotted by the dimwitted trolls. She pulled fruitlessly at the thick knots, attempting to shush the loud ponies.

"No, no, you're making it all wrong!" One troll shouted. His name was Tom.

"Am not!" The second troll, William, argued.

"Are to!" Tom shot back. "You're going to spoil those nags and make 'em taste like mutton."

"Everything taste like mutton," complained the last troll, Bert. "Except for mutton. That tastes like chicken!"

The trolls continued arguing about proper seasoning for their roasted horse while Miss Baggins attempted to free the ponies. Then she noticed a large knife strapped to the back of a troll's loincloth. She rubbed her hands together, taking a deep breath, and snuck behind the troll. She quickly put her hands on the hilt and began to slowly pull the knife out from the loop.

"Flesh! I need flesh!" Tom roared and swiped at his back, unknowingly catching Bilbo who squeaked in fright. His eyes widened and he brought poor Bilbo into the view of the other two trolls. "Oho! Look what I found!"

"Ugly little bugger, isn't it," muttered Bert, poking Bilbo in the stomach. "What are you?"

"I'm a burglar-HOBBIT!" She shrieked. "Ah-"

"A burglarhobbit?" William echoed. "What's that?"

"Me!" Bilbo answered and let out a loud, high scream when Tom held her up by her feet. Her skirt went down and she struggled to hold it up, managing to cover enough of herself to hide at least her knickers. "Put me down, you ruffian!"

"Who you calling ruffian, you oversized squirrel!" Tom shouted at her, shaking her up and down. "Are there any more of you little creatures out here?"

Now, Bilbo had been shaken so hard that she said, "Yes! Wait, no! No! No!"

"What do you mean by yes, no?" William demanded while Bert waved a ladle menacingly.

"There's no more of me here!" Bilbo shouted. "Now put me down!" Tom shook her again and she became so dizzy that there were two of him. She moaned groggily, her arms flapping uselessly at her sides.

"Like we'd let go of you!" Bert said with a nasally laugh that turned into a high pitched shriek of pain.

Bilbo looked down to see Kíli strike the troll in his foot twice. She screamed his name, her loose hair going unpleasantly in her mouth. He looked towards her and his ferocious smile faded a bit at seeing the burglar's small clothes. He blushed a bit but still turned to the trolls, gripping his sword tightly while Bilbo tried desperately to cover herself.

"Drop her!" Kíli bellowed.

"You what?!" Tom yelled back.

"I said," Kíli said daringly, "Drop her!"

Then the troll threw Bilbo at Kíli, who thankfully caught her, and that's when all hell broke loose.

*******So I'd just like to mention that the reason Bilbo feels twinges of sadness at the mention of children is because she can't have any. Even though she could always adopt, lineages and bloodlines are very important to hobbits and so are children. To not be able to have a child for a female hobbit is a disappointment. Despite that, Bilbo doesn't let the fact that she cannot have children affect her sense of self worth. *******


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN THE HOBBIT**

Chapter 4

The dwarves charged the trolls, their swords, axes, and hammers blazing. They worked together, fighting so well that they were an unbeatable force to be reckoned with against the trolls. Once Kili had righted Bilbo after her fall, he had joined the fray. He and Fíli took on Tom, their swords dancing in blurs. Bilbo shook her head, reminding herself that she needed to free the ponies and not admire the dwarves' fighting style. She grabbed the troll's fallen knife and used it to cut through the pony's rope.

Unknown to her, William spotted her and grabbed her before she could run away or even register what was happening. She squeaked as the trolls grabbed all four of her limbs, tugging painfully enough to bring tears to her eyes.

"Bilbo!" Kíli cried and launched himself at the trolls, but was held back by Thorin. Oh, he looked very angry. If the trolls didn't tear her apart, then he would.

"Drop your arms!" Bert ordered the now stock-still dwarves. "Or we'll rip hers off!"

Thorin gave a nod to the Company and they all laid down their weapons. The trolls then made the dwarves strip down to their skivvies ("I don't like when I've got bits of leather stuck in my teeth!") and tossed half into sacks. The other half of the Company were tied to a spit, currently being roasted over a hot fire. They cursed out the trolls, shouting threats and obscenities.

Poor Bilbo was tossed into a sack with the rest of the dwarves. Even worse, she was right next to Thorin who kept giving her judging looks. Now he was currently attempting to gnaw his way through his ties. Bilbo couldn't help but think morbidly how embarrassing it would be to be eaten by trolls of all things, her mind going fuzzy from being shaken so. What a way to go. The hobbits would write on her headstone: Here lies Bilbo Baggins; A Hobbit Who Went On An Adventure That Bit Her In The Ass; Beloved Daughter and Neighbor.

"Are we eating dwarf tonight or what?" William snapped. "I don't fancy being turned to stone!"

Stone. Hadn't her mother told her a story about dwarves? And she and Rory had played a game about it? She tried to remember the vague memory. She had been very young and had... Oh! She had scolded Rory for not being still enough. The boy had complained why he had to be the troll and why he had to be turned to stone, to which Bilbo had condescendingly replied that trolls turn to stone in daylight (it was a wonder that boy had ever fallen in love with her, then again, he had always liked a challenge).

She needed to distract the trolls until daybreak. Surely that couldn't be so far away?

"Wait!" Miss Baggins cried. "You're making a terrible mistake!"

"You can't reason with them! They're half wits!" Dori yelled.

"Half wits?" Bofur shouted. "Then what does that make us?!"

"And what mistake am I making, you little ferret?" Tom sneered at her.

"With the uh- the uh- the proper way to cook dwarves!" She choked out and hopped upright. "You're doing it all wrong!"

She heard several indignant cries of "traitor" from the dwarves and ignored their threats of slow and painful deaths. "You need to ah- you need to put spices on them first!"

"What kind of spices?" Bert asked and Bilbo felt hope blossom in her heart. They actually believed her!

"Oh you know," she said vaguely. "Sage. Rosemary. Lemon. These dwarves are very, er, smelly! So you need to mask their stink before you eat them! And that's not even counting the, uh, the secret to cooking dwarves! The ultimate secret!"

"What a load of rubbish!" William grunted. "I've eaten plenty plain!"

"Hush, you," ordered Bert, "And let the burglarhobbit talk!"

"Yes, thank you. The secret to cooking dwarf is- uh-"

"Well, what's the secret?"

"Yes, I'm telling you the secret! It's to-o..." She trailed off and then added, "Skin them first!"

She ignored the outraged cries from behind her, wincing at some particularly violent threats. Poor Kíli seemed to be the most gullible of the dwarves, as he was screeching, "MISTRESS BOGGINS HOW COULD YOU?"

"I've eaten plenty with their skin on!" William defended. "I say scuff em boots and all! Nice and crunchy!" He reached down and grabbed Bombur, dangling him over his open mouth.

"No not that one!" Bilbo shrieked.

"Why not?"

"He's got worms in his... Tubes!" The troll let out a cry of disgust and tossed Bombur onto the dwarves. "In fact they're all infected, terrible business. Parasites! I really wouldn't risk it."

"Parasites?" Kíli repeated and screamed, "I don't have parasites, you have parasites!"

Bilbo groaned and looked pointedly at Thorin who thankfully got the message. He kicked Kíli, silencing the dwarf's protests. He looked back at the hobbit, then to his uncle, then to the hobbit again in a dawning of realization.

"I've got parasites as big as me arm!" Oin shouted.

"I've got lots of parasites, I've got huge parasites!" Kíli agreed, nodding vigorously, and all the dwarves began to tell the trolls how riddled they were with the bugs.

"No one has as much as me!" Fíli said, voice muffled as his face was lying in the ground.

"Well, maybe me!" Kíli shot back and Bilbo rolled her eyes. Now was not the time to argue who had "bigger parasites". Boys.

"Do you not see what she's doing?" William roared. "She's taking us for fools!"

"And the dawn will take you all, and be stone to you!" A deep voice called and none other than Gandalf stood atop a large rock. He cracked his staff down on the stone and sunlight spilled into the clearing.

The trolls hissed and screamed in agony as their skin slowly turned into cold, hard stone and were moving no more. After the shock of being saved disappeared, the dwarves whooped in laughter and joy. Gandalf first untied the dwarves from the fire, putting out the flames with a wave of his staff. They all moaned and groaned in pain while Gandalf began untying the other dwarves and hobbit out of their sacks.

"Where had you run off to?" Thorin asked the wizard as he put on his clothes.

"To look ahead," he replied vaguely.

"And what brought you back?"

"Looking behind," Gandalf answered with a wink and Thorin nodded gratefully. "Nasty business, trolls. A good thing you all got out in one piece."

"No thanks to your burglar," Thorin grumbled as he put on his fur coat.

"She had the nous to play for time," Gandalf defended her, "Unlike some people."

Thorin sent the wizard a half hearted glare and looked to where the hobbit was currently helping Kíli put on his pants. She was rather unbalanced and Fíli had to lean her against his arm.

"You know, Bilbo," he said lightly and he buckled his belt. "We're all even now!"

"Even?" Bilbo repeated, puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"We've seen you in your underclothes," explained Fíli and the burglar turned puce. "And you've seen us in ours."

"You all saw that?" Bilbo was finally able to choke out and felt a hard clap on her back.

"Yep," replied Bofur helpfully. "We were waiting in the bushes, you little burglarhobbit."

Bilbo moaned mournfully and buried her red face in her hands. Bofur patted her back soothingly. "Don't worry, Mistress Baggins. Lots of journeys have those awkward moments. Granted, they're usually not being dangled upside by a troll, but still."

"Oi, Baggins," called Nori after being fussed over by Dori. "Didn't take you as a lace kind of lass!"

The dwarves roared with laughter, all except for Dori (who hit his brother) and Balin who was too kind to laugh. Thorin became suddenly fascinated with a nearby tree while Gandalf chuckled. Bifur signed something at Bilbo which sent the dwarves into hysterics.

"What'd he say?" She asked and Kíli had to compose himself.

"He said you had nice legs," he coughed and she frowned deeply, crossing her arms.

"Honestly, you're all laughing like this is the funniest thing," she complained, "When really, the most amusing thing is seeing the King Under the Mountain in his skivvies." She broke off into hysterical giggles, clutching her stomach while the dwarves laughed harder around her.

Thorin, however, heard her and glared in her direction. Bilbo's smile vanished and she scratched the back of her neck, avoiding his gaze. Gandalf laughed and leaned against his staff, starting a conversation to draw out the grumpy dwarf.

"These trolls couldn't have moved in daylight," he stated pointedly and Thorin nodded.

"There must be a troll cave nearby," Thorin guessed and began moving out. "Everyone, we need to get going!"

"What?" Bofur cried and Bilbo collapsed onto the grass, utterly spent. "No disrespect, Thorin, but we were nearly eaten by trolls. Your burglar was also shaken a good deal. She needs rest the most!"

"We keep moving," Thorin repeated sternly and Bilbo felt like acting like a tween and sticking her tongue out at him.

The Company, grumbling, made their way in the direction of the trolls' stink. Eventually they grew so close to the stench that they had to cover their noses and mouths with spare cloths. Bilbo turned a delicate shade of green, which caused Kíli to laugh and then to heave a bit. Fíli patted his back while he emptied the contents of their supper into a nearby bush.

"Why's it smell so bad?" Kíli moaned, eying the cave distastefully.

"It is a troll hoard!" Gandalf answered. "Did you expect it to smell like daisies?"

"And to think that I had wanted to fight trolls as a child," Bilbo groaned as she say stumbled into the cave after Thorin and Gandalf. "Is it normal for an adventure to include almost getting eaten?"

"Only good adventures," said Gandalf and he began to look through the various collections in the troll cave.

The hoard consisted of bones, coins, dusty old swords, and even some clothes. Bilbo's stomach twisted once she saw distinctly child sized trousers and she had to look away, tears prickling at her eyes. At least the smell was so bad that she could blame her watery eyes on it. Thorin moved past her to where a sheathed sword lay.

"These were not created by any simple troll," he observed and began to unsheathe the blade.

"Nor by any smiths of men!" Gandalf exclaimed, wonder in his voice. "These were made by the High Elves of Goldolin!"

Thorin's face soured and he went to put back the blade, only to be stopped by the agitated wizard. "You could not wish for a finer blade!"'

Thus the dwarf grudgingly accepted the sword and went to stalk off when his boot hooked on something. He clutched a nearby broken cart for support and heard distinctly feminine laughter, but when he looked up Miss Baggins was staring intently at a rack of arrows.

He bent down to retrieve what he stumbled over. A small dagger, more like a letter opener really, rested upon the ground. Its blade was curved and polished, elvish runes written in swirled patterns on the metal. It looked a bit like his and he wondered if his sword had a spare. He would not need such a minuscule blade.

Thorin nodded Gandalf over and handed him the sword, saying quietly, "Give this to the Halfling."

After the Company had exited the cave (also after a "long term deposit", according to Gloin), Gandalf approached the hobbit who was less green than before, so that was a good sign.

"Bilbo, I have something for you," he told her and handed her the sword. "It is yours now. It is of elvish make, which means it glows blue when orcs and goblins are around."

"I can't take this, Gandalf," she protested but he silenced her with a raised hand.

"Real courage is knowing not when to take a life," he said in his patient way, "But when to spare one. I trust you'll know when to follow that advice."

Bilbo sighed, but nodded. "Thank you, Gandalf. I appreciate you looking out for me."

"You are very welcome, my dear," he winked at her and then there was shouting from the Company, the trees rustling around them.

The dwarves immediately huddled together, weapons drawn. Bilbo was pulled behind Bofur and strained her ears. Was that the sound of horses? No, these steps were much lighter, not so heavy. More like a thumping noise. What on earth was it? Suddenly, a voice cried, "THIEVES! FIRE! MURDER!"

And a man dressed in shabby brown robes burst into the clearing. Bilbo felt her jaw drop at the sight of the old, bearded man on a sleigh pulled by- were those rabbits? They were giant! Bofur gave Bilbo a look and she made the "crazy" sign with her finger. The hatted man turned to Gandalf, eyes wild. Yavanna Almighty, he had bird shit in his hair!

"Radagast," Gandalf sighed and set down his sword. "Radagast the Brown. What on earth are you doing here?"

_This_ was Radagast the Brown? Bilbo resisted snorting. A good wizard in his own way, her ass. The wizard hopped off his sled, wringing his gnarled hands nervously.

"I was looking for you Gandalf!" He cried hoarsely, voice high. "There are foul things afoot! There's-" he hesitated and looked confused for a moment, then frantically annoyed. "Oh, I just had the thought on the tip of my tongue and now it's gone! Oh, wait!" He exclaimed softly, curling his tongue. "It's not a thought at all! It's a silly old stick insect!"

He reached into his mouth and pulled out a long bug. Kíli looked like he was going to start heaving again and looked away, groaning. Bilbo looked at Bofur who seemed somewhat horrified. Thorin, as always, was frowning at the whole scene while Dwalin looked judgily at the eccentric wizard.

"Let us speak in private, my friend," said Gandalf and he sounded a little exasperated, as if he had to put up with this all the time.

The two wizards moved aside from the Company to commune. Kíli sat down heavily, looking sick. Oin handed him some ginger root from his bag, advising him to chew on it to help his stomach. Bilbo tried to listen in on the conversation, but was promptly scolded by Gandalf that no proper hobbit lady eavesdropped unless they were a Sackville-Baggins.

"It is fine, Gandalf," Radagast waved away and leaned down to talk to Bilbo. "Hobbits are naturally curious creatures, and they've always been quite nice to me. Though they did keep their distance."

"No wonder why," Bilbo muttered low enough for Radagast not to hear.

A long howl then sounded throughout the clearing, setting a chill in Bilbo's bones. It seemed that just when they thought they were safe, trouble had a way of finding them yet again. She looked at Bofur, who was gripping his mattock tightly and was standing protectively in front of her. She gulped in fear, hazel eyes darting around the trees.

"Was that a wolf?" she whispered breathlessly.

"No," he replied dreadfully, "That was no wolf."

Bilbo heard growling and the hairs on her neck stood on end. A giant, monstrous beast then leapt out from the trees, aiming straight for Thorin. The dwarf King sidestepped the warg and Dwalin brought his hammer down on it with a fierce battle cry. Another warg came out of the bushes. Thorin stayed the beast quickly, a look of disgust across his face as he wrenched his sword from the carcass.

"Orc scouts!" He spat. "Which means an Orc pack is not far behind!"

"Who did you tell of this quest?" Gandalf demanded and Bilbo shrunk in on herself. She had never seen the wizard so angry. Irritated, yes, but this was so much different. He looked every part the terrifying, powerful wizard.

"No one," replied Thorin gravely but the wizard did not let up.

"Who did you tell?!"

"No one, I swear!" Thorin shouted and then his eyes trailed to Bilbo. "YOU!" He spat and stalked towards her, though his sword was lowered.

Bilbo let out a frightened noise and backed up into the tree. "Me?"

"Yes, you!" Thorin snapped. "They're able to smell you! It's your fault they're here!"

"My fault?!" Bilbo screeched defiantly. "If they could smell me then they can certainly smell the Company!"

"Your blood!" Thorin yelled. "Your monthly bleeding! They could smell the scent of blood from miles away and we've been on the road for more than four weeks!"

Bilbo's mouth flapped uselessly and her cheeks reddened at the nerve of the dwarf king. "You're being ridiculous-"

"Am I? You know I'm right," Thorin said and the Company stared in shock. "Or do you believe dwarves to be so dimwitted that we would not notice if-"

"I can't have children!" Bilbo screamed over his voice, not caring if the wargs heard her. She needed to get her point across before she was kicked out of the Company. "I haven't had a monthly since I came of age! Why do you think I never married?! It's because no hobbit in their right mind wanted a barren wife!" She buried her face in her hands, not crying but just incredibly embarrassed. "So whatever reason these things are after us, it's not my fault!"

Thorin opened his mouth and then snapped it shut. Was it just the hobbit's imagination or did he look almost guilty? She wasn't able to ask since Radagast chose that moment to say, "Oh dear, this is certainly an odd twist of events, isn't it?"

"We need to get out of here!" Gandalf ordered, sending Bilbo a sad look. He had never known she was barren. Hobbit women's pride and joy was their natural ability to have children. "Where are the ponies?"

"They've bolted!" Ori shouted back after he and Nori went to where the ponies were resting.

"We'll have to make a run for it," Thorin said, voice quieter than usual.

"I'll draw them off!" said Radagast as he mounted his sled, reigns in his wrinkled hands.

"These are Gundabad wargs!" Gandalf argued deeply. "They will outrun you!"

"These are Rhosgebel rabbits!" Radagast challenged with a satisfied, proud smirk. "I'd like to see them try."

And so the Brown Wizard distracted the Orc pack with his sled and giant rabbits while the Company of Thorin Oakenshield sprinted across the flat plains. Whenever an Orc or warg neared, they ducked behind one of the boulders scattered across the land. They stopped at one, Thorin pulling Ori back so he wouldn't be spotted. Ori stumbled back into Miss Baggins, who fell and was pulled up by Thorin.

"Mistress Baggins, I-" he began but she shook her head.

"Now isn't the time," she replied waspishly and Thorin flinched as if he had been hit. But he nodded and led the Company onward.

They hid behind another boulder when Bilbo suddenly felt a hot breath on top of her head. She slowly looked up and saw a warg poking its head out, its rider surveying the land from atop its mount. She clapped her hand over her mouth, afraid her heavy breathing might attract unwanted attention. Next to her, Thorin gave Kíli a nod. Kíli's normally cheerful face was deadly serious and he ran out from under the cover of the rock, hands flying to his bow in a blur.

He released an arrow into the warg, taking it out instantly, and the rider tumbled down. It tried to blow a horn to release the orders but was brutally killed by the dwarves. Its screams echoed across the plains and were so loud that the Orc pack was able to hear where they were. They charged towards the Company and they all scattered, following the wizard.

They neared two large boulders when Gandalf suddenly disappeared. Bilbo felt her stomach plummet in fear and Thorin of all people stood in front of her, his elvish blade out.

"Stand your ground!" he ordered his dwarves and Bilbo withdrew her own sword. Would she even be able to use it?

"Where's Gandalf?" Dori cried from where he stood in front of Ori.

"He's abandoned us!" Dwalin howled. Nori stood behind him, the hulking warrior in front of him. The warrior then felled another orc, pushing Nori out of the way.

"This way you fools!" A voice shouted and Bilbo let out a hysterical laugh once she saw Gandalf's tall blue hat poke out from the hidden entrance.

The dwarves began to jump down into the entrance, though Kili remained shooting arrow after arrow at the beasts. Bilbo went to jump into the entrance when she felt a horrible tugging sensation of her skirt. She screamed as she saw the warg rip her skirt in an attempt to eat her and her sword arm lashed out. Her sword made contact with the eye of the warg and the beast let out a whimper of pain before lunging at her again.

"Bilbo!" Thorin screamed and shoved her out of the way, right into the cave as Kili shot down the rider.

Thorin and the hobbit tumbled down, Bilbo landing at Dori's feet and Thorin landing at Gandalf's gigantic black boots. Kíli slid down soon after, knocking down his uncle once he righted himself. Thorin swore in an unfamiliar language while Kíli apologized. His uncle mumbled something about never mentioning it again and the boy grinned. The sound of a horn echoed across the area and the sounds of screaming orcs traveled.

An Orc rolled down the entryway right at Bilbo's big feet. She let out a noise of disgust and stumbled back. An arrow was embedded right through its foul skull, its ugly and mottled face contorted mid-scream. Thorin snatched up the arrow and threw it down in disgust.

"Elves!" He snapped and Bilbo breathed a sigh of relief.

"Oh thank Yavanna, is everyone alright?" she groaned and missed the glare he sent her. She rested her hands on her knees and then shrieked at the tattered remains of her skirt. "Ack! My poor skirt!"

She tried to tug the fabric down to cover herself but only proceeded to rip it more. This would not do at all, as her legs and her scar were showing. "Don't look!" She shouted and almost every dwarf looked away, blushing. She didn't even have her backpack with all her clothes! "Dwalin, please tell me you have a spare cloak!"

The dwarf rummaged in his bag a bit and threw her the cloak. She made a makeshift skirt, tying the fabric together. Admittedly, she tripped over the length, but it was better than running around in her knickers. She breathed a sigh of relief and Gandalf rolled his eyes, muttering about the propriety of hobbits.

"I'm good now," Bilbo announced and there were a few mutters of "thank Mahal" and one or two "aw"s that she highly suspected came from Fíli and Kíli. Cheeky bastards.

"Are you sure you're done or would you like to change your coat too?" Thorin asked bitingly and Bilbo just ignored him.

"Where does the path lead?" Gloin asked, thankfully changing the subject.

"Doesn't matter, does it?" Nori shouted back, moving away from Dwalin who looked a little reluctant. "As long as it's far from the orcs!"

"Do we follow it?" Oin questioned, his ear trumpet dented.

"Follow it of course!" Bofur exclaimed and bravely led the way through the tight squeeze.

The Company had to move in a single file line, shuffling slowly through the narrow passage. Poor Bombur almost got stuck. Bilbo, being the smallest, was able to easily go through. Though she was a little surprised, to say the least, that she had lost some of her hobbit belly. Oh, that would not do at all! Vowing to eat double the meals a day once they won the quest, she squeezed her way into the wider passage with a sigh of relief.

As they walked, a strange feeling entered Bilbo. She suddenly felt light and airy, as if she weighed practically nothing. Almost like walking on a cloud, really. It made her happy and she had a soft, goofy smile on her face as they found the end of the tunnel. Bilbo's smile faded completely once she stepped out and her jaw dropped. In front of were was the most beautiful city she had ever seen in her life.

Arched structures and long bridges stretched over roaring waterfalls, leading to curved stone buildings. There were flowers and long, thin trees with glistening gold leaves dotting here and there. It looked like what she had pictured where gods would live. It was absolutely stunning and could only be one place.

"Rivendell," she breathed out.

"The Valley of Imladris," said Gandalf's wistful voice. She was too transfixed to see if he was talking to her.

"You have brought us into the den of the enemy!" Thorin snapped and she was shaken out of her reverie to send a disapproving glance in his direction.

"The only ill will in this valley is the one you bring with yourself, Thorin Oakenshield!" The Gray Wizard huffed. "Now, if everything goes to plan then we will be greeted with warm hospitality. This situation, of course, will be dealt with a good degree of charm and wit. Which is why you'll leave the talking to me or Miss Baggins."

Bilbo's head turned and the wizard sent her a wink. She grinned back and followed the wizard as he led the Company through the valley. Bilbo's stomach dropped when she realized she had to walk on the thin, railless bridges. Fíli and Kíli flanked either of her side in the end, so at least she wouldn't be the first to fall off.

They soon entered a courtyard with a grand staircase. A man strode into the courtyard and Bilbo felt all her breath deflate from her lungs. He was as stunning as the valley, with a perfectly carved face and porcelain skin, his long hair dark and flawless. His ears were pointed and a circlet rested upon his gentle brow. He was beautiful, but there was something so ethereal to him that it almost frightened Bilbo. No one could be that beautiful.

"Mithrandir!" The elf diplomat, Lindir, called.

"Ah, Lindir," greeted the wizard and they began to converse in Elvish.

"Be on guard," Thorin whispered to Dwalin and Bilbo rolled her eyes. Honestly, dwarves.

"My Lord Elrond is not here," said the elf in Westron and the sound of a war horn rang.

Elves in exquisite bronze armor, their inhuman bodies on white stallions, rode into the courtyard. Thorin cried out a command in Khudzul and Bilbo suddenly found herself in the middle of the circle of dwarves. The elves surrounded the dwarves and Bilbo saw the small smirks under their helmets. Ooh, were they teasing them?

A tall elf with dark hair and old eyes jumped off his saddle, approaching Gandalf. He wore an intricate silver circlet on his head. "Strange for orcs to come so close to our borders," he remarked to the wizard.

"That may have had something to do with us," Gandalf admitted sheepishly.

Elrond laughed and hugged his old friend. He then turned to the Company and his eyes roved over each and every dwarf. They lingered on Bilbo, curiosity sparking the warm brown depths, and then centered on Thorin. The elf bowed deeply.

"Hail Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror," he greeted respectfully.

"I'm afraid we haven't met," Thorin said, his lip curling in obvious dislike.

"You have your grandfather's bearing," answered Elrond. "I had met him while he was still King Under the Mountain."

"Really?" Thorin raised his thick eyebrows, unimpressed. "He made no mention of you."

Elrond smiled somewhat bitterly and said a long, slow phrase in his musical way of speaking Elvish. The dwarves practically bristled at the unfamiliar language.

"What is he saying?" Gloin demanded, hands on his axe. "Does he offer us insult?"

"No, Master Gloin," sighed Gandalf, looking thoroughly annoyed at the dwarves' antics, "He's offering you food."

The dwarves whispered to one another before Gloin said decidedly, "Lead on then."

"Do you think we can wash up first, please?" piped up Bilbo, who was feeling exceptionally filthy. "I was tossed into a mud pile."

Elrond laughed. "Of course, Mistress Hobbit. Lindir will lead you to one of the private bathhouses."

Lindir stepped forward, offering his arm to the hobbit, having to lean down a bit. The dwarves muttered angrily and Bilbo silenced them with a deadly, venomous glare. "Thank you for your hospitality, Lord Elrond," she said diplomatically and could've sworn Thorin nearly broke his sword in two.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks to everyone who commented love u guys so much 3 also updates will be every other day in case u didn't know :) **

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN THE HOBBIT**

**Chapter 5 **

The baths in Rivendell were absolutely heavenly. Two polite, beautiful elleths had set up a bath for the hobbit. They moved in languid, graceful strides and Bella was in awe of their kindly nature. The dark skinned one with long braids and golden ribbons was very charming towards her and made Bilbo blush frequently.

They then left Bilbo so that she could bathe privately. The hobbit sunk into the bath with a sigh after peeling off her wet, soiled garments. The water smelled faintly of flowers, reminding her of her garden in Bag-end. She hoped that Hamfast had made good on her request to watch over the house for her. She felt a sense of homesickness spread through her and ducked underwater, staying under for a good ten seconds.

After her bath, Bilbo dried off and, to her shock, found her bag sitting next to her bed! Her lips parted in surprise and she picked up the note resting on the leather backpack.

_Our scouts found a backpack near the orc pack with your initials on it. We thought you might like to dress in your own clothes for the dinner. _

_ -Elrond_

"How thoughtful!" Bilbo said with a smile and tucked away the note.

She opened her pack and went through the contents. She still had her spare clothes (wrinkled, of course), her pocket knife, and her hat. Sadly, she had left her pipe back at the campsite. Maybe one of the dwarves had one she could borrow. Bilbo pulled out the dress she had picked, her yellow one with the blue ribbon and stitched flowers on the sleeves and hem. Smoothing it out as best as she could, she put it on, tightening the sash around her waist and lacing the corset.

She looked into the full length mirror by the vanity and observed her reflection. Her had grown lighter from being in the sun all day, now looking a honey blond, and her skin was tanned and freckled more. She patted her cheeks, not feeling them as round as she would like. Frowning, she combed through her wet hair. It had gotten long, past her shoulders. No wonder it had gotten in the way so much!

"That won't do at all," said the hobbit and opened the vanity's drawers in search of a scissor.

Bilbo began to cut her hair until it rested on her shoulders. Not the best job, as she had cut the pieces framing her face too short and now they stuck out, but it would do. She pulled a light blue ribbon out of the drawer, cutting it, and wrapped it into a headband.

"There," she said contently and began brushing the hair on her feet. A knock on the door was heard and she called, "Come in!"

In stepped Lindir. "I've come to escort you to dinner. The Company got there a few minutes ago. Five, to be precise."

"No need to be," Bilbo said with a shrug. "But thank you."

She took the elf's arm and they strolled through Rivendell's halls, passing by servants and the dark elleth that had taken a liking to the hobbit. Bilbo waved at her as they made another turn. She noticed Lindir watching her curiously, a small smile on his face, and she felt herself blush. Soon they entered a round dining pavilion outlooking one of the waterfalls in the valley.

"Thank you, Lindir," she said again and he bowed before moving to where Lord Elrond, Thorin, and Gandalf were sitting.

Bilbo moved to sit with the dwarves, choosing to sit between Bofur and Kíli. Balin, who sat across from her, smiled warmly.

"You look lovely, Mistress Baggins," he complimented her and she smiled.

"Thank you, Balin!" She took her fork and began to eat the salad placed in front of her. It was delicious, no surprise there, with a crunchy and tangy taste to it. She noticed the other dwarves staring at their food moodily, all except for Bifur who was eating the centerpiece. "It's really quite good," she said and a few shrugged.

"I don't like green food," moaned Ori and took a slice of baked bread from the table.

"Why not?" Bilbo asked.

"I don't trust it ," the young dwarf explained unhelpfully.

"Where's the meat?" snapped Dwalin after rifling around in his salad. He jealously looked Nori's plate, which included some boiled eggs. He went to take one, but the starry-haired thief slapped his hand away.

"Nope, these are mine," he said chidingly, almost sounding like Dori.

Dwalin pouted like a child and Bilbo laughed. Meanwhile Oin was attempting to drown out the elvish music by stuffing a napkin in his ear trumpet. Nori complained that it sounded as if he were at a funeral, a tad melodramatic to Bilbo.

"Did somebody die?" asked Oin and Nori rolled his eyes.

"I say we liven things up a bit, lads," called Bofur from the end of their table and clambered on top, the other dwarves patting him on the back.

"Oh dear," murmured Bilbo, covering her mouth. The elven musicians had stopped their playing and were looking at the dwarves suspiciously.

"_There's an_-" Bofur began in a lilting, deep voice. "-_inn, There's an inn, there's a merry old inn, beneath an old grey hill,_

_And there they brew a beer so brown_

_That the Man in the Moon himself came down_

_one night to drink his fill._

_The ostler has a tipsy cat_

_that plays a five-stringed fiddle;_

_And up and down he saws his bow_

_Now squeaking high, now purring low,_

_now sawing in the middle._

_So the cat on the fiddle played hey-diddle-diddle,_

_a jig that would wake the dead:_

_He squeaked and sawed and quickened the tune,_

_While the landlord shook the Man in the Moon:_

_'It's after three!' he said!_"

The dwarves cheered and threw their salads at Bofur while Bilbo buried her face in her hands in embarrassment. She noticed Thorin standing off to the side, tapping his foot along and doing nothing whatsoever to stop his Company. Honestly, did none of them have any manners?! After the song, the elven musicians played more lively music for the dwarves.

Bilbo took a sip of her wine and saw Kíli wink at an elleth. She felt herself smile and nudged his shoulder encouragingly. Kíli turned to the Company.

"Hey, do you think that one's looking at me?" Kíli asked them with a nod in the direction of the elleth. "Not that I care, of course. Just want to make sure," he added hastily and seeing Dwalin's scowl.

The warrior turned towards the elleth and started laughing, nearly making Bilbo drop her goblet. "What?" Kíli asked. "What is it?"

"She's not looking at you, laddie," choked out Dwalin and half the dwarves listening looked to Bilbo expectantly.

"What?" she asked stupidly and everyone laughed harder. Oh. The elleth was looking at her. She let out a shaky laugh. "Very funny, very funny. Perhaps you could try again with another elf, Kíli," she whispered the last part and he looked hopeful.

Then he noticed Dwalin's stare and he stabbed his salad. "Can't say I fancy any elf maids, though. Too slim and trim. Not enough facial hair."

The dwarves nodded sagely and Nori had to cover Gloin's mouth before he mentioned how his wife was the epitome of dwarven beauty. Then Bofur turned to Bilbo.

"Mistress Baggins," he said, "What do hobbits find attractive?"

"Hobbits?" she repeated and the dwarves looked interested.

Bofur nodded. "You know what dwarves like, so what do your people like?"

Bilbo looked thoughtful. "Well, lots of hobbits differ. For me, I've always been, well... I've always been interested in male and female hobbits, to be honest. But for a hobbit to be considered attractive they'd need to have nice feet, with lots of hair," she purposely ignored the comment Fíli made about foot size, "they'd need curly hair, and since most hobbits are dark-haired, light colored hair is considered very pretty; a nice well rounded figure since almost all hobbits have a roundish belly. Basically the opposite of dwarven beauty standards."

"I think hobbits sound nice," piped up Ori. "So have you ever courted anyone before?"

"A few, but most were short lived or unrequited," Bilbo explained and didn't add except for one. Then she started to laugh. "I remember I had it so bad for Lyla Cotton which was as unrequited as it gets. I used to pull absolutely ridiculous stunts to get her attention. It was a lost cause especially after Uriah Whitfoot made her this beautiful necklace. I remember I was devastated and Rory-" she cut off and cleared her throat "-my friend swore vengeance."

The dwarves chuckled. "No one was as bad as Nori as a lad," recalled Dori fondly and Nori made a cat-like screech.

"He used to fancy this guardsman," Dori laughed and then stopped, squinting at Dwalin and Nori who were sitting together. "Wait a Mahal damned second-"

"Bilbo, Balin," called Gandalf's voice and he crouched to speak to the two. "I request that you accompany Thorin and I for a short while. Lord Elrond is going to read our map."

Bilbo and Balin nodded, standing up from their seats and saying temporary goodbyes to the dwarves. Thorin was stalking ahead of them, following Elrond. The dwarf King had a look on his face that could curdle sour milk. Bilbo sighed at his unnecessary anger and had to jog to catch up to him.

"So do you think Lord Elrond will be able to read the map?" she asked him and his head snapped to her direction.

"Where'd you get the dress?" He asked her randomly and she raised her eyebrows.

"Back to the subject that matters, Master Oakenshield," she admonished lightly.

Thorin shrugged. "He better be able to. We've wasted enough time at this accursed place."

Miss Baggins rolled her eyes and entered into Lord Elrond's study. Light streamed in through the large windows, casting everything in a mystic silvery glow. The elf lord stood beside a pedestal, waiting patiently to read the map. Thorin, however, would not relinquish it easily.

"Thorin, show him the map!" Gandalf scolded him, growing agitated.

"It is a legacy of my people," said Thorin. "It is mine to give and mine alone."

Bilbo groaned, massaging her temples. "Master Oakenshield, just show him the map!"

Thorin narrowed his eyes dangerously at her and, to her shock, handed it over reluctantly to Elrond. Balin went to protest but was soundly shushed by the wizard. Lord Elrond handled the map with care, holding it upward so that he could see it clearer.

"Moon runes," he remarked reverently. "It seems that faith is upon you, Thorin Oakenshield, since this map was written mid summer's eve, which is in one day's time."

"I'm sorry, but why is that important?" Miss Baggins asked quizzically, her brows furrowed.

"Moon runes can only be read in the exact light of the moon it was written in," Gandalf explained to the mystified hobbit.

"That's amazing!" She exclaimed and Elrond chuckled.

"Indeed it is, Mistress Baggins," the elf lord said and handed Thorin back the map carefully. "It seems that you will have to stay another three days. Is that to your liking, Thorin Oakenshield?"

Gandalf hit Thorin subtly in the shin with his staff and the dwarf ground out, "Yes. Thank you for your graciousness." He looked pained to say the words and Bilbo resisted laughing at his obvious discomfort.

Elrond took it in stride, or he was just oblivious. "You are welcome. You and your Company are welcome to stay until the map can be read. You will each have your own quarters, respectively."

"We will all camp together," Thorin replied and Bilbo made a displeased sound.

"I think I'll have my own room, though," she said and Thorin shot her a look. "I might as well maintain some propriety, thank you."

"Of course, Mistress Baggins," Elrond said with a nod. "You are all free to wander in the valley. If you need any help at all, don't be afraid to ask."

With that, the elf strode out of the room. Gandalf let out a sigh of relief and shook his head at Thorin. "You are going to get us kicked out, Thorin, son of Thrain, if you keep behaving like a disobedient child."

Bilbo choked on her laughter and thankfully Thorin didn't notice. She quietly slipped away from the dwarves and wizard. She had always wanted to visit the elves and she would make use of the next day. Miss Baggins spent the good portion of the night wandering around in Rivendell's beautiful gardens. She wondered how they managed to maintain their flowers so well as not one of the petals were wilting. Even the statues, which must have been old beyond belief, had not one crack in their stone.

Bilbo sat down beside a clear, bubbling pool. She pushed the lily pads with her fingers, her finger tips brushing against the water and sending ripples throughout the pool. She let out a soft laugh at a frog she had severely started when she had moved a pad. Then she leaned her back against the cool stone and peacefully closed her eyes.

"Mistress Baggins?" a deep voice asked hesitantly and she let out a small shout, nearly falling into the pond.

She felt a hand grab her arm before she could properly fall in and turned around to see no one other than Thorin Oakenshield. The hobbit immediately felt her cheeks redden, remembering what he had said to her before, and cast her eyes to her furry feet. The dwarf was wearing an unreadable expression, but she could've sworn his eyes looked... apologetic maybe?

"What are you doing here?" she asked, letting go of him.

"I came to apologize for earlier," Thorin stated, eyes flicking from her necklace, surprisingly, and then settling on her face.

"Apologize?" She pushed the hair out of her eyes, though it didn't stay there since she cut it too short. "You're going to have to be clearer about what you're apologizing about. You insult me daily."

Guilt flickered across Thorin's face and he shifted his feet nervously. "When the wargs were coming after us, I insulted your honor. And for that, I'd like to offer my deepest apologies. It was not right of me to out you in front of the whole Company." For the first time, he bowed to her.

"You know you could've just said 'sorry' and skipped the whole speech, right?" Bilbo asked, feeling uncomfortable at the attention she was receiving. Though, his gesture was sweet. And she deserved an apology.

"But you deserved a full apology," Thorin protested.

"Thor- Master Oakenshield, do you know the average number of children hobbits have?" She asked him and he looked confused though he still shook his head. "Five. Sometimes more, sometimes a little less, but every hobbit woman is able to have children. What do you think happened when I found out I couldn't have any?"

"They accepted it," he said. "That is what dwarves do when dwarrowdams are infertile. And they move on."

Bilbo shook her head. "It's not like that in the Shire. Sure, they accepted it, but they always sent me pitying glances. No one wanted to marry me because of me being unable to have children. Except for one person," she muttered and twisted her leather chord, her heart clenching, "But he's gone now. You see, I'm used to people making statements about... it. So don't worry."

"That's not right," he mumbled and she shrugged.

"I guess not, but hey, it is what it is." Bilbo let go of her necklace and looked toward the balcony where the Company was settling down. "I'm going to go to bed now. Good night."

"Good night," Thorin said with a nod and then gently took her arm. "And Mistress Baggins? I really am sorry." He looked so kind then, so soft, that Bilbo fought the urge to give him a hug.

"It's fine," she said and forced herself to smile. The dwarf let go of her arm and she walked back to her room, a tight feeling in her chest.

That night she dreamed about Rory.

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_Bilbo sobbed wretchedly, her feet in the water of the small stream in the Old Wood. The words of the healer kept echoing inside her head: "She'll will never be able to bear a child." She remembered how her mother's face had fallen, how she had clutched her daughter, and how her father's eyes saddened. As soon as they had left the healer's smial, Bilbo had run off, her parents calling behind her._

_She knew that her parents would love her no matter what, but it hurt so much. She was young, only thirty, and had always wanted to settle down with a nice lad, have some children. If she had married a woman, maybe it would have been different, but she still would have been fertile. Now... she couldn't even experience something a women should: love. No one would want to marry her now that she was infertile. _

_Hobbits could be a superstitious bunch when they wanted to be. There would be no suitors on her coming of age ceremony, no one with any courting flowers because they would all think the Baggins line was cursed. It was bad enough that Belladonna could only have Bilbo, but now... Bilbo began to cry harder and jumped when she heard a twig snap. _

_She turned to see Rory hovering uncertainly by the trees. His deep brown eyes were filled with sadness. Bungo and Belladonna must have told him. Why wouldn't they? He was Bilbo's best friend. _

_"Not now, Rory," she mumbled. "I want to be alone." _

_"Alright," he said. Then he walked over and sat next to the young hobbit. _

"_I said I wanted to be alone," Bilbo repeated. "As in, with no other company." _

_"Exactly," Rory shrugged. "We're alone together." _

"_That's not what I meant, you oaf!" she snapped and huffed, staring at the river. Rory put his arm around her comfortingly. "They told me I was barren, Rory," she whispered and buried her face in the crook of his neck, sobbing. She cried for a good long while before pulling away, wiping her nose on her sleeve. _

_"No one's going to marry me," she said softly and Rory stood up. _

"_Lots of people are still going to want to marry you, Bo!" exclaimed Rory. _

_"Yeah," Bilbo asked scornfully. "Name one!" _

_"Well, I don't know his full name," Rory began, looking pensive. "But he's quite a nice lad. Handsome, too, and loves you more than anything." _

"_How convenient that you don't know his name," Bilbo mocked. "Now will you let me have some quiet?" _

_"I know for sure that it began with an R," Rory said. "And his last name began with a B."_

_Bilbo, hardly listening, just made an agreeing sound. "Now what was his name?" Rory tapped his chin. "Robert Brandybuck? No... Richard Bracegirdle? Definitely not... Oh, I know!" _

_"Do you now?" Bilbo muttered and he sat down next to her. _

"_Rorimac Brownlock" he said softly and Bilbo's head shot up, her pointed ears twitching. She stared at him in shock. _

_"Are you serious?" she asked and felt her heart leap. _

_"Now, I don't know if you return this Brownlock guy's sentiments," he continued, "Which would be fine if you didn't. He wouldn't want to take any advantage of you when you're in such a state._"

"_Of course." _

_Rory smiled. "Of course." _

_"Would he like me to think about it?" _

"_Definitely_."

_Bilbo launched herself on Rory with a wild laugh, enveloping him in a bear hug. They stayed like that for quite some time until Rory pulled away, brushing a lock of her hair out of her face. "Let's get you back to your parents." _

_Bilbo nodded and leaned against Rory the whole walk back to Bag-end. She was so happy that she didn't even notice the whispered conversations and pitying looks surrounding her. They didn't matter anymore. She had her parents. And she had Rory. _

_She'd be alright in the long run. _


	6. Chapter 6

**This story reached over a thousand views! I'm so happy! Thank you all xox leave reviews and tell me what u think of this chapter! I was a little timid about this one tbh **

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN THE HOBBIT**

**Chapter 6**

Bilbo awoke the next day with tears streaming down her face. Sniffling, she wiped her face on her bed's soft silk sheets. She patted her cheeks chidingly.

"No need to get upset over a little memory, Bilbo," she whispered to herself as she put on Rory's necklace. "Just a silly, old memory."

Bilbo quickly dressed into her spare green skirt and orange blouse, not bothering to put on her coat as it was pleasantly warm in the valley. She later found out that she had slept in, missing breakfast with the Company. Her stomach rumbled and she frowned at not eating. Then the dark skinned elleth from the day before had given her delicious buttered pieces of smoky bread. She introduced herself as Perennial.

"Thank you, Perennial," Bilbo had said and the elleth smiled warmly.

"You are very welcome!" she said. "If you wish to spend time with your dwarves then you may join them in the courtyard. Though I heard that they had recently acquired a taste for bathing in the sacred fountains."

Bilbo shuddered. "Ugh, that is not something I want to think about. I think I'll just have a nice walk around. Though I may need a guide."

Perennial's shoulders drooped. "I would love to accompany you, however I am supposed to be helping my mother make my sister a dress for her wedding."

"Really? When?" Bilbo asked, trying to keep the disappointment out of her voice.

Perennial glanced at the clock and blanched. "By the Valar, I'm already late! Perhaps I shall accompany you another time, Mistress Baggins."

"I hope so," said the hobbit and Perennial kissed her hand gently, making the hobbit's face even redder.

Perennial scampered off, a smile on her face, and soon Bilbo was left alone in the halls. Sighing, she made her way into the gardens. She found that she was able to navigate through Rivendell quite well, as their way of tunneling was simple to a hobbit's smial. She was in the gardens once more in ten minutes, walking besides the flowers and stopping repeatedly to observe them.

She heard a shriek of laughter from a young voice and felt a small body, only up to her chest, barrel into her. She landed flat on her back, a child with green eyes and shaggy hair on top of her. His eyes widened and he quickly apologized in Elvish, rolling off of the hobbit and helping her up.

His eyes grew even more huge at seeing that she wasn't an elf. "Who are you?" he asked in broken Westron and Bilbo brushed off her skirt.

"Bilbo Baggins," she introduced herself with a bow. "I'm a hobbit."

"A hobbit?" the boy repeated, confused, and stared at her feet before shaking himself out of his stupor. "I am Estel," he said with a bow and the hobbit chuckled.

"It is a pleasure to meet you, Estel," Bilbo said politely and the boy smiled, brushing his hair behind the rounded tip of his ear. Goodness, this was a human boy! What was a human doing in Rivendell?

Suddenly, the yells of more children were heard and two elflings knocked into Estel. The third one, a tall girl with bronze skin and slanted eyes, skidded to a halt and was the only one on her feet. She laughed at the younger elfling with the same bronze skin and eyes as her, although his were a light gray and hers were a deep brown. She stopped laughing once she saw Bilbo and quickly curtseyed.

"My lady," she said respectfully and Bilbo curtseyed back. "I am Linwe. You must be the halfling with the band of dwarves!"

Bilbo smiled softly. "I am. Bilbo Baggins. Pleasure to meet you."

"Halfling?" squeaked her brother called Galdor. "What's a Halfling?"

"It's a hobbit, silly," scolded the third boy, one with light brown skin and wildly long, curly hair. "I am Arafin, my lady!"

Bilbo curtseyed once more and the children smiled. "My lady, I am afraid we have never met another of your race," said Linwe diplomatically, "So I'd like to apologize in advance for anything my idiot brother says."

"Hey!" shouted Galdor, and Estel and Arafin giggled into their hands.

"It is fine," Bilbo laughed. She felt a minor twinge in her stomach at the sight of the children. She always had that small pain ever since she had found out she was unable to have her own.

"We need another person for game," Estel said, struggling for the words to describe the actual game, so Arafin spoke for him.

"We are playing an adventure game!" he said enthusiastically. "Though we haven't decided on what type yet."

"I think we should play defeat the orcs," sniffed Galdor, "But Estel wants to play king, Linwe wants to play tea party, and Arafin wants to play Beren and Luthien. What do you think?"

Bilbo felt an idea pop into her head. "How about a game to defeat a monstrous troll?"

The children's eyes lit up and Estel bounced up and down. "Linwe has to play troll!"

Linwe frowned. "I will not play a troll! I've never met a troll."

"Well, it's a good thing I have then," said the hobbit and the children gasped. "Three, in fact."

"You're lying!"

"You're kidding!"

"Really?"

"You can be troll!" Estel shouted happily.

"Actually, I was thinking that I could tell one of you how to be the troll," Bilbo said, shifting uncomfortably when four disappointed faces stared at her. It was too early for such cuteness and she couldn't get the ache from her heart away.

"Oh," said Arafin. "Are you sure?"

"Yes-no!" Bilbo quickly corrected herself once she saw Galdor's lip begin to twitch. "I'll, er, be the troll for you all."

"You sure you would want to play with a bunch of children?" Linwe asked disbelievingly.

"Of course. I used to babysit my cousins when I was younger. I'm sure elf children aren't much different." She didn't mention that she was only able to watch them for an hour, otherwise she had tears in her eyes.

The four grinned and the game of Defeat the Troll began. At one point, their game became so complex, complex enough to have a tragic backstory for each of its heroes, that it went on until sunset. Bilbo had fun, though that annoying ache still remained, fading slightly. She laughed and chased after the eflings and human child, masking her voice to sound like Bert's as a basis. She lumbered around, letting her voice carry across the garden as she searched for the heroes.

"I smell elvish children!" she rumbled and stamped loudly towards a bush where Estel was hiding. "They must be here somewhere... Perhaps here!" She jumped behind the fountain and scratched her head stupidly when seeing no one there.

Little did she know that Gandalf, Balin, and Thorin were watching her at the garden's entrance, waiting for her to accompany them to Elrond's study. She continued lumbering around. "Maybe he's... here!" she pushed through a flower patch and heard Estel giggle. "Where is that child? I'm going to need something for dinner. But how to cook him... Hm... Perhaps I will squash him into jelly! Or make him into a pie!"

She reached her arms into the bush and Estel shrieked as she swept him up into her arms. He laughed as she roared pitifully. "It seems I have found my dinner. Time to put you on the spit, little one!"

"DEFEAT THE TROLL!" Arafin cried heroically and soon three elflings had jumped on the small hobbit and were wrestling with her.

"Stop! I have been defeated! No!" Bilbo cried dramatically. "What a cruel world this is!" The children shrieked with laughter and then suddenly stopped.

Bilbo, still chuckling, saw Thorin, Balin, and the Gray Wizard standing right by her and looking at her pointedly. Galdor gasped dramatically upon seeing Thorin and Balin.

"It's the other two trolls!" he whispered loudly and Thorin rolled his eyes while Balin smiled fondly.

"Looks can be deceiving, but no, they're dwarves," said Bilbo and got out from under the elfling pile. "And I need to go with them. I'll see you four another time."

"Don't go!" wailed Arafin and latched onto her leg. "We still need to crown Estel!"

"You can do that without me, dear," Bilbo said.

Linwe and Galdor managed to pry Arafin off the hobbit and she departed with the dwarves and the wizard, who was laughing to himself. Bilbo shot him an unamused look and even Thorin smiled just a bit.

"Trolls?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Never speak of this again," she said, voice deadly, and Balin laughed.

They soon entered Lord Elrond's study, the moonlight already streaming inside. Thorin easily handed the elf the map this time and he laid it gently on his pedestal. The moon's light was repositioned by the twisting of a lever and now shone directly on the map. Glowing blue letters appeared one by one onto the old map and Balin gasped.

"Stand by the gray stone when the thrush knocks," recited Lord Elrond, "And the setting sun with the last light of Durin's Day will shine upon the keyhole.

"This is it!" breathed Balin. "We must travel quickly! Durin's Day is soon upon us. Then and only then will the door open."

"What is Durin's Day?" asked Bilbo, completely lost once again.

"The first day of autumn in the dwarven calendar," explained Thorin and he folded the map, tucking it into his armor.

"So this is your purpose," said Lord Elrond deeply. "To reenter the mountain and slay Smaug."

"What of it?" snapped Thorin.

"There are some who may not deem it wise," the elf answered.

"And who are these nay-sayers?" sneered the dwarf king. If Bilbo were Elrond, she would probably have snapped and said something like, Literally everyone. You're trying to slay a dragon. What the absolute fuck is wrong with you.

The elf, being far more eloquent, responded, "Those who take watch of Middle Earth. Though one seems to have his mind clouded." He looked at Gandalf who raised his bushy eyebrows as if to say, who me?

The meeting ended with palatable tension in the air and Gandalf had to practically drag Thorin away before he could punch Elrond (though he couldn't reach his face).

The next morning was mid-summer's morning as fair as it could be: a cloudless blue sky, singing elves, and the sun dancing on the waters of the valley. The Company of Thorin Oakenshield rode away in secret, fearing their plans to reclaim the mountain would be stopped, without the presence of the wizard. Gandalf had had to attend an important council meeting along with Lord Elrond. And so the Company set out over the Misty Mountains and to the land beyond.

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Bilbo quickly decided that she hated the Misty Mountains. Its craggy, rough paths hurt her feet. Its rain was never ending, the fog so thick that she almost fell of the edge of its cliff faces several times. Thankfully, the dwarves knew where they were going and they didn't get lost once. Balin and Thorin led the way, as they knew it best, and the Company trailed behind. Bilbo mostly stayed by Ori, Fíli, Kíli, and Bofur. Occasionally she talked to Dwalin and Nori, though she was sure that Dwalin only talked to her because Nori did.

All was well in the mountain, except for the obvious and expected discomforts, until the day of the thunderstorm. Thunder and lightning cracked and lit up the sky as heavy sheets of rain soaked the Company. Bilbo could barely see anything because of the rain, and clung to the rocky walls of the mountain, cutting her hands several times. Bofur kept a firm grasp on her arm to make sure she didn't fall off.

"This is no thunderstorm!" Balin suddenly cried. "This is a thunder battle! Look!"

He pointed in the distance and Bilbo squinted her eyes. Her stomach dropped and she wished she hadn't look at all. Two hulking, massive figures made of stone and rock were clashing. Stone giants! They punched each other, movements slow and jarring, and one knocked the rocky head off its opponent.

"Look out!" cried Oin as the rock was hurled right at the Company.

They scattered, falling to the ground as the rock crashed into the wall and crumbled. Bilbo was about to say something like that was close, but, of course, things only got worse. The mountain suddenly started to move. Legs formed, attached to another stone giant, separating half the Company. Fíli called out for Kíli, who looked absolutely terrified at being separated from his uncle and brother.

"We're on a fucking stone giant!" Dwalin swore and gripped hold of Nori as the giant attacked the other.

The giants clashed when, suddenly, the giant half of the Company was on had it's leg fall into the other. Bilbo watched, horrified, as Gloin, Oin, Balin, and Kíli disappeared and she wondered who on earth was making that awful screaming sound.

Oh. That was her.

"Kili!" screamed Thorin and Fíli and they rain to where the rocks had collapsed, moving chunks of boulders out of their way.

Bilbo let out a hysterical laugh when she saw the members of the Company shaken, but still safe. "We're fine, we're fine," Kíli repeated as she was squeezed into a hug by Thorin and Fili.

The hobbit let out a sigh of relief when, suddenly, the piece of rock she was on gave away. A small scream parted from her lips and she grabbed hold of a piece of rock, effectively splitting her hands in the process. Hot blood dripped down her arms from her torn fingers and dripped into her hair. She looked down and gasped at the drop.

"Bilbo, hold on!" Bofur's voice shouted and he appeared from above Bilbo. He held out his minted hand. "Grab my hand!"

Bilbo reached out and grasped his hand, only for her slick blood to make her lose her grip. She shrieked and fell another foot, grabbing onto a branch sticking out of the rock's crevices. The dwarves were all yelling at each other, desperate to help, when Thorin slung down and grabbed ahold of the burglar. He launched her upward and Dwalin caught her, then the warrior proceeded to help his King up.

"That was close!" Bofur exclaimed, holding Bilbo around her shoulders. Her face was deadly pale, her eyes huge. "I thought we almost lost our burglar!"

"She's been lost ever since she left home!" Thorin snapped and Bilbo recoiled, as if he had hit her. "It's not safe for her here. She should never have come."

Maybe it was because Bilbo was so shaken that she didn't answer or challenge the dwarf leader. Or maybe because, deep down, she knew she would never be one of the Company. Contract or no contract, friendships or no, she would never belong. Bilbo felt her eyes swim with tears and she looked down at her cut feet.

"We must find shelter," Thorin continued. "Fíli, Kíli, lead the way. You have the keenest eyes in the Company."

The two dwarves nodded reluctantly and took the lead. Bofur never left the hobbit's side. The rest of the Company sent her pitying glances that reminded her of the Shire, now adding homesickness to her troubles. Fíli and Kíli found an empty cave soon enough. It was dark and humid with a sand floor. Bilbo sat herself far from the Company as they unpacked.

She was tired, hurt physically and emotionally, and on top of those things terribly hot. She shrugged off her jacket, tying it around her plain dark green skirt, but it didn't help. Her shirt stuck to her back and sweat beaded at her forehead. The dwarves weren't any better, but they kept on their armor and cloaks. Soon the Company dozed off one by one, all except for the little hobbit and Bofur, who was on watch.

That part was unknown to Bilbo as she shouldered her backpack and grabbed her walking stick, ready to sneak out of the cave and walk back to Rivendell. She wished she could have said goodbye, but she didn't want to face the dwarves when they realized how cowardly she really was. Bilbo sighed and went towards the entrance when a voice interrupted her.

"Where are you going?" Bofur whispered. "It's dangerous out there!"

"I know," Bilbo replied softly, "But I need to leave. I don't belong here."

"Sure you do!" He argued. "You're part of the Company."

"Not really, Bofur," the hobbit said bitterly. "Oakenshield will never fully approve of me. I belong in the Shire. Hobbits aren't meant for grand things, my dwarf."

"You're right, they may not be," he said quietly and took her hand, "But I and some other members of the Company believe that you may be! Especially the wizard. You should hear that old fart talk about you and your mother."

Bilbo smiled humorlessly. "No matter what Gandalf says, I am not my mother. I'm sorry, Bofur, but I must go."

The dwarf hung his head, knowing a lost cause when he saw one. "I wish you all the luck in the world, Bilbo. I really do."

Bilbo leaned forward and rubbed her nose against his, a familiar custom among hobbits belonging to the same family. Bofur's eyebrows raised. "Hobbit custom?"

"Hobbit custom," Bilbo replied with a gentle smile.

She turned to leave when Bofur interjected, "Hey, what's that?" He was pointing at her sword. Feeling her blood turn to ice, she slowly looked down and saw the blue glow of her sword from its sheath.

That was when the sand started to shift, Thorin yelled something, and the world plummeted.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN THE HOBBIT

**Okay so before anyone starts hurling tomatoes at me, I just wanted to announce that this fic will be on hiatus until July (mid July at the very most but I highly doubt that). This fic will BE REWRITTEN. You may wonder why. Here's the reason: the characters in this fic have grown on me so so much. Like a lot. When I started this fic I really didn't have any intentions of development and such. Now, however, I'm beginning to rewrite this only better. As soon as summer hits, I'll be able to return to my writing. **

**There will be 2x the character background in the revised version, much more pov (point of view), and more information on the history and cultures of middle earth due to the multiple povs. I'm really excited about this and apologize once more for u having to wait. But I'm pretty sure it'll be worth it :D I also have an AU fic featuring our little fem!bilbo and some other great characters coming up soon so keep an eye out! **

**Also, is there anything you'd like to see in the revised Burglar Under the Hill? Please let me know in the comments!**

**In the meantime this is the last chapter I'll be posting for a little while. **

Chapter 7

Bilbo's throat hurt from screaming as she and the Company dropped down, down, down into the cavern. They all landed in a giant pile, moaning and groaning from the force of the drop. Poor Ori was the first to get up and saw the hoard of shrieking goblins running towards them. He shouted something incomprehensible and the Company drew their weapons. The goblins outnumbered the dwarves and tied them with rough ropes, pulling and hitting them repeatedly to make them obey.

Miss Baggins crouched down and her jaw dropped as she was missed by the goblins. Her heart clenching in horror, the Company was herded away down the splintered bridges making up Goblin Town. Bilbo slowly stood up, shaking hands clutching her sword. She started to follow the Company when a grotesque goblin as tall as her jumped in her way. She wheezed as it kicked her in her stomach with its long, hard foot. It grabbed the metal stick off it's loincloth, swinging it wildly at her.

The hobbit managed to block a few of its swings when it suddenly pushed her and she fell off the edge, her glowing sword falling behind her. She managed to drag down the goblin as well and it screamed wretchedly as it fell down. Then everything went black.

Bilbo later awakened in a patch of large mushrooms for the second time in her life. Her head was pounding, blood rushing in her pointed ears, and she groggily sat up. Then a pair of luminous, pale eyes lit in the dark and she dropped back into the mushrooms. She heard heavy breathing and realized the goblin she had dragged with her was on the verge of death.

A pallid, immensely bony creature with large feet and unnaturally large eyes crawled into view. He muttered to himself in a high pitched, hoarse voice and occasionally made a horrible wretching sound that sounded like, "gollum, gollum". Bilbo watched in terror as the creature Gollum smashed the head of the no longer breathing goblin. He then proceeded to drag the warted body away with him.

"Too many boneses, precious!" it wailed. "Too many nasty boneses!"

Her heart thudding in her chest, Bilbo emerged from the mushroom patch. She looked around the cave and then down at her hairy feet. She frowned and bent down. A simple, golden ring laid on the cold stone floor. It was quite beautiful, to the simple hobbit, and its gold reflected in her eyes. So she took it and put it in her coat pocket.

Miss Baggins began to follow the direction the creature went, hoping for a way out. Meanwhile, Gollum moved silently in his little makeshift boat across the underground lake. He crept up on the hobbit, hovering over her. He gave a cackle of delight and jumped in front of her, gaining a small gasp from the hobbit.

"Bless us and splash us, precious!" said the creature delightedly. "That's a meaty mouthful!" He went to choke Miss Baggins, but she pointed her sword at his bony chest. He growled a low, gurgling sound in his throat.

"Stay back!" choked out Bilbo. "I am warning you!"

Gollum hissed. "Who are you?"

"I am Bilbo Baggins. Of the Shire," she straightened. "I have lost my dwarves and my wizard, and I need to find my way. Can you help?"

"It's got an elvish blade, precious," said Gollum, ignoring her request, "But it's not an elf. What is it? What is it, precious?"

"I am a hobbit!" replied Bilbo, so afraid that she kept answering his questions.

"What a strange creature! We should eat it!" exclaimed the creature and then said in a softer voice, "Praps we should help the hobbit. Shut up!"

"I didn't say anything," Bilbo stated, confused beyond belief.

"We wasn't talking to you!" scoffed Gollum.

"Look, I don't know what game you're playing, but-"

"Game? Gameses! We love gameses!" the creature looked almost joyous. "What has roots that nobody sees/ is taller than trees/ up, up, up, it goes/ and yet never grows?"

"A mountain," answered Miss Baggins automatically and the creature cackled.

"Very good!" he crowed, then his face contorted in anger. "No! No! We eat the hobbit now! We need its flesssshhh!"

"I'll play!" whimpered Bilbo, holding out her sword. "How about we play a game? If I win, then you lead me out of here. If you win, you can... eat me."

Gollum began to converse with himself and finally turned to the hobbit. "Ask us a question."

"Ah, yes," Bilbo cleared her throat. "Thirty white horses on a red hill/ first they champ/ then they stamp/ then they stand still."

Gollum muttered quietly to himself and finally shrieked, "Teeth! Teeth! But we only have nine," he opened his mouth, showing Bilbo sickly black nubs that could never be mistaken for teeth. "Our turn," he growled, the anger in his voice returning.

"Voiceless it cries/ Wingless flutters/ Toothless bites/ Mouthless mutters," he finished, a sickening and hungry look in his pale eyes.

"Wind," Bilbo answered. Rory had told her that riddle when they were children.

Gollum cried out angrily. "Very good," he hissed, not sounding pleased at all. "Your turn."

"Ah, yes," mumbled Bilbo. "Now let's see... I think I've got one. Gold treasure without latch, key or lid, yet golden treasure inside is hid!"

This stumped Gollum and the creature began to writhe, his face twisting and mashing into hideous thinking expressions. Bilbo's heart fluttered in hope that maybe she had him stuck, before he shouted. "Eggses! Yes, eggses! Grandmother taught us to suck them, yes!"

Bilbo sighed. "Alright, good. Now you go."

Gollum recited, "This thing all things devours/ birds, beasts, trees, flowers/ gnaws iron, bites steel/ grinds hard stones to meal/ slays king, ruins town/ and beats high mountain down."

Bilbo nearly swore. She had never heard this one. Taking her time, she tried to think of the answer. Eventually, Gollum grew impatient and began demanding an answer. Poor Bilbo meant to squeak out, "Time, I need more time!" but it instead came out as "time! Time!"

Gollum made a disappointed sound. "Tricksy hobbitses. Ask us a question."

"Just a moment," Bilbo said, holding out her free hand. She tried to think of a riddle, but it seemed that they had all been wiped from her memory.

"Ask us," Gollum said sweetly and then roared, "Ask us!"

Miss Baggins's hand flew to her pocket and she fingered the ring inside. "What have I got in my pocket?" she whispered.

"What?" Gollum asked and dropped the rock he was going to use to bash her skull in. "That's not fair! Ask us another on!"

"Ah, ah," chided Bilbo and pointed her sword at him. "You said ask us a question and I did. Now you must answer or you lose."

"Threes tries!" Gollum said. "You will give us three tries."

"Fine," she said and kept an eye on him as he paced back and forth.

"Handses!" he shouted and Bilbo, thankfully, had already removed her hand from her pocket.

"Wrong!"

"Knife!" he shrieked and banged at his own head in his rage.

"Wrong again!"

"String! Or nothing!" he added, pointing at her threateningly.

"Wrong in both cases," said Bilbo proudly. "Now you must show me the way out."

The pitiful creature collapsed in on himself, sobbing wretchedly. "I won," Bilbo reminded him. "It's time to lead me out."

"Did we say so, precious?" Gollum said dangerously. "Did we say so?" He then reached into his loin cloth's small pocket to pull out something. He couldn't find it, eyes widening, and began to furiously dig around his fish bones and even the water, all the while screaming, "Where is it, precious? Where is it?!"

He then turned to look at the hobbit, trembling violently as his face twisted in rage. "You! You stole it! YOU STOLE IT!" And he launched himself onto the hobbit.

Bilbo managed to duck out of the way, the hideous creature landing on the rock behind her. She sprinted away from Gollum who was still screaming heinous threats for stealing his "precious". The hobbit soon reached a small, narrow passageway. She looked behind her and saw Gollum nearing, her blood running cold. She quickly squeezed through and nearly started crying when her beautiful acorn buttons got caught in the gap.

"It's ours!" Gollum howled. "Ours!"

Bilbo's buttons him in the face as he went to grab her. Her bodice fell away, the creature tearing it apart savagely while the hobbit tripped and fell. The ring in her coat went flying outward and onto the floor and she froze. It was so beautiful, so beautiful. Perhaps she should wear it. Yes. She deserved it, didn't she?

So the hobbit slipped on the ring and the world faded to gray. Gollum burst through the crevice, standing right in front of Bilbo. Yet he didn't react to seeing her. Instead, he continued crawling and shrieking, "Thief! Bagginses!"

Bilbo quickly scrambled upward and began to follow Gollum as he unknowingly led her to the exit of the mountain. They went through several twists and turns, sometimes doubling back, until the sound of heavy footsteps were heard. Yelling echoed across the caverns and Gollum quickly hid away when the dwarves came into view.

Her dwarves! Bilbo's dwarves! The hobbit took one last look at the creature and leapt over it, accidentally kicking him in the head. He let out a howl of rage as she followed the Company and screeched with the mountain as witness, "CURSE YOU! CURSE YOU! WE HATE THE BAGGINSES! WE HATES IT FOREVER!"

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Bilbo was finally able to catch up to the dwarves once they stopped. All of them were huffing and puffing, covered in blood. Gandalf did a head count of the Company and his face fell when he couldn't find the fourteenth member. He turned towards the dwarves, rage steaming off of him.

"Where is our hobbit?" Gandalf roared. "Where is Bilbo?!"

"Curse the hobbit!" Dwalin spat angrily. "Now she's lost?"

"I saw her last with Dori!" huffed Gloin. "What happened to the wee lass?"

Everyone in the Company turned in unison to Dori, he looked mildly offended. "Don't blame me! The goblins stormed me and there was too much commotion to see anything! Oh, I hope she's alright!" Dori ran his hands through his once immaculately braided silver hair that was now becoming undone.

"I'll tell you where the burglar is!" Thorin snapped, gaining the dwarves' attention. "She's on her way back to her comfortable home, back to her books and her armchair. All she has wished on this journey is to return home and I say we let her. Bad luck or not, that burglar is no longer in this Company after she has abandoned us so brazenly."

"You don't know that!" cried Bofur, nearly tearing out his braided pig tails. "I saw her fall in with us! I highly doubt that she was able to get out of the mountain with all those goblins. We need to go after her!"

"And what if she's not in the mountain?" challenged Thorin. "What if we go back and are all slaughtered? Then where is the blasted hobbit?"

Bilbo suddenly snatched off her ring, rage coursing through her veins. Her eyes narrowed dangerously and she didn't know where she had found the daring, but she yelled at the top of her lungs,

"She is right here, O noble Thorin Oakenshield!"

The Company froze and turned to see an absolutely livid burglar. Thorin's jaw dropped while Bilbo fumed silently. She seemed to be taking deep breaths so that she could tell him off properly. However, Fíli interrupted her scolding of a lifetime with an astonished cry of, "Bilbo, you're alive!"

"We'd given up on you," Kíli admitted and the burglar's face turned soft. "How'd you get out of the goblin cave?"

"How, indeed?" echoed Dwalin, resting on his battle axe. Bilbo purposely ignored him as he had just cursed her out.

"Why did you come back?" asked Thorin so quietly that she almost didn't hear, but hear she did and she whirled upon the dwarf king, jabbing him in his chest with her finger.

"You know," she snapped bitingly, "When I joined this quest, I joined because I thought it would be a good cause. A quest to reclaim a homeland; a very brave act. And the rest of the Company seemed nice enough. Except," she ground out and pointed threateningly at him, "For you!"

"Me?" repeated Thorin.

"Yes, you!" Bilbo shouted venomously. "You have got to be the most pompous, haughty, stubborn, self-righteous bugger in the whole existence of the dwarven race! You have never hesitated to insult me, taking out your anger on someone weaker than you. You've only apologized once because you had made a blunder on my not being able to have children! But no matter how much of an absolute shit you are, I'm still going to see this quest through.

"Want to know why? Because all you've done is made me feel unwanted, encouraged me to leave! But guess what? I'm not leaving!"

Bilbo let out a huff of frustration and kicked at a tree stump, the Company staring at her in wonder. Thorin was flabbergasted, to say the least. Suddenly, Gandalf started laughing so hard that he needed to use his staff for support. Bilbo was about to yell at him too until he wiped away his tears of laughter, waving a hand at her.

"Now that," he remarked, "Is the Took side of you I've been waiting to see! Thorin Oakenshield, you certainly know how to make a hobbit angry!"

"Mistress Baggins," began Thorin and she cut him off.

"Shut the hell up, Thorin. Talk to me after we slay the Yavanna damned dragon. And you better have the biggest apology in history by then!" she snapped at him and he hung his head in shame. Good.

The hobbit, feeling very satisfied with her scolding (she had had much practice imitating her parents), crossed her arms and wondered if she could stew in her pride just a bit longer.

Suddenly, a howl echoed across the clearing and Bilbo wanted to burst into tears again, no longer feeling very brave. She was only a little hobbit, and those wargs were ever so big. Gandalf and Thorin tensed, the Company drawing their weapons.

"Out of the frying pain," rumbled the wizard.

"And into the fire," finished Thorin. "Run!"

With that helpful order from the ever magnificent Thorin Oakenshit, the Company sprinted away from the incoming wargs and orcs. The howling grew closer as dusk settled in and Bilbo looked over her shoulder, yelping in fright at the large warg chasing her. Bofur grabbed ahold of her arm, pulling her as she was lagging behind. They soon neared a cliff with tall, thin pine trees.

"Climb! Into the trees!" yelled Gandalf.

Bilbo jumped over a fallen branch when a warg suddenly cut her off, separating her and Bofur. She screamed and the warg lunged. The beast must not have been the brightest of creatures, as Bilbo's sword became embedded in its thick skull without her even moving it. Bilbo whimpered and tugged the sword out with all her strength. She laughed and her smile vanished once she saw the fast approaching warg riders.

She ran, jumping into the tree with a hand up from Bifur. A warg snapped at her heels, teeth clanking together loudly. Bilbo climbed farther up, eyes closed tightly and her face in a grimace. She had loved climbing trees as a child, just not when there were hungry and vicious wargs under said trees. She peeked her eyes open to see Bofur juggling a flaming pine cone.

"Bofur! Put that out!" She exclaimed and he threw it at a nearby warg, the beast's fur catching on fire. "What are you- oh!"

And so Bilbo joined the dwarves in throwing multicolored, flaming pine cones at the monsters below. She was beginning to think that perhaps they would win when the flames caught on a tree. Her tree.

"Oh no!" She moaned as the tree's thin trunk began to splinter and crack. She, Bofur, Bifur, and Bombur were forced to jump to the nearest tree.

The hobbit landed roughly on the branches, reopening her cuts from earlier in the mountains. She felt her stomach drop at the screeching voices of the goblins who had joined the wargs and orcs. The goblins began to mock them, singing a jaunty tune.

"_Fifteen birds in three fir trees, _

_Their feathers were fanned in a fiery breeze!_

_But funny little birds they had no wings, _

_O what shall we do with the funny little things? _

_Roast them in a fire, or stew them in a pot;_

_Fry them, boil them, and eat them hot?" _

"_Burn, burn tree and fern!_

_Shrivel and scorch! A fizzling torch_

_To light the night for our delight,_

_Ya hey!_

"_Bake and toast 'em, fry and roast 'em!_

_till beards blaze, and eyes glaze;_

_till hair smells and skins crack,_

_fat melts, and bones black_

_in cinders lie_

_beneath the sky!_

_So dwarves shall die,_

_and light the night for our delight,_

_Ya hey!_

_Ya-harri-hey!_

_Ya hoy!"_

"Fly away if you can, little birds!" They mocked in their cracking voices and Bilbo's blood boiled.

"Go away, little boys!" said Gandalf in answer. "For naughty boys that play with fire often get burned!" He sent a large flaming pine cone at them and the ones hit shrieked in pain.

Bilbo then heard a deep, monstrous voice speak in a rough language and looked up. Her stomach twisted in fear as she saw a white Orc atop an equally pure white warg. The Orc was scarred beyond belief, on his ugly face, chest, and massive sloped shoulders. She wasn't able to make the connection until she spotted his missing arm. A jagged metal claw embedded in the stump served as a makeshift hand.

The goblins suddenly looked frightened and joined behind the Orc, nervously awaiting orders, though they still crowed insults at the Company.

"The Defiler," a hoarse voice above her whispered. Thorin. "It cannot be."

But it most certainly was the Pale Orc. Azog grinned wickedly, taunting Thorin in the brutal language of the orcs. He set his soldiers upon the trees, their wargs snarling with mouths dripping white foam. Despite the flames encasing some of the tree, the wargs launched themselves at the trunks. Wood splintered under the force of their ferocious bites and the second tree fell, the dwarves hopping to the last one standing.

And that was when Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror, took up his shield and charged the Defiler.


	8. Chapter 8

Hello! So, I recently got an archive of our own account and for some reason its just alot easier for me to upload chapters and update stories. I've begun the rewrite of the Burglar Under the Hill on ao3 :) Its titled the Adventurer Under the Hill and is posted under the account WriterofBagEnd, which is my account of course. Im sorry that I wont be able to post it on here but it really does take too long here :( sorry once again, but go check it out! I'll shortly post a link to it in my profile.


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